The name is Baron Von Richtoven, Forum Moderator for Pollstar Premium, the upcoming set of extra services that concert fans have been demanding ever since we opened our Website back in 1931.

Of course, you can’t have the free discourse of information and ideas unless you have the proper rules to go with it. That’s why I’m here. To ensure that the forum rules will be followed 24/7, no matter if you’re discussing the latest schedule for The Pietasters, or talking about last night’s performance by Bow Wow or Jason Mraz. It’s very simple, really. We have rules. You will follow the rules. End of story.

For you cannot have an obedient virtual community without rules. The rules are here for a reason. From rule number1, which clearly states that all forum users honor, obey and respect the moderator, to rule number 9,211 which calls for all forum members to bow down and kiss my finely polished leather boots before posting messages about acts such as Michael McDonald or Evan Dando, all of these rules must be followed to the letter less we have malcontents and anarchists taking over our free exchange of ideas and influencing the flow of intellectual thought. Make no mistake, you will follow the rules.

And woe to those unfortunates who do not follow the rules, for they shall feel my wrath. Canings, floggings, and when necessary, brutal electric shocks to sensitive areas of the body await anyone who refuses to follow the rules. Furthermore, ignorance of the rules is no excuse. You will salute your moderator while posting a review about The Pretenders, you will stand at attention while I inspect your post about Jimmy Buffett for proper attitude and thought, and you will pledge eternal obedience and loyalty to your moderator before posting questions about Josh Ritter and Hot Action Cop. Why? Because those are the rules, and in the Pollstar Premium forums, the rules rule.

So, remember; know the rules, understand the rules, and, most importantly, follow the rules. The Pollstar Premium forums shall be the most excellent bastion of free speech and open expression that the Web has every seen. That is, as long as you follow the rules. Take it from me, Baron Von Richtoven, Supreme Commander of Pollstar Premium Forums. You will obey our rules.

Hmmm… from the looks of all of you, I think I’m going to need a bigger whip.