For example, do you hear that? It’s the sound our database server makes when one enters new dates for The Fixx. Kind of a low, metal-against-metal, scraping sound

Then there’s the sound our server makes when someone calls up the new listings for Shania Twain or Jazz Mandolin Project. Kind of like the sound of someone rubbing long fingernails down a pair of corduroy pants.

Matter of fact, our server makes well over 19,427 different sounds, depending on which artist’s itinerary is being edited, who is entering the data, or even which day of the week it is. In fact, our helium-cooled central processing core, made up of spare Packard Bell parts acquired during a Silicon Valley swap meet, can be so noisy that we often think of it as just another member of the family. Yes, it’s always muttering incoherently under its breath while going about the assigned duties of the day.

And the sounds are getting louder. In fact, we’ve had reports from users claiming to have heard various squeals, thuds, screeches, snaps, crackles and pops while calling up the dates for Lotus, Howie Day and Edgar Winter Band.

So, if you hear something that sounds like a small four-legged animal bellowing out in pain from being caught in a steel trap, relax, it’s just the sound of our server listing the new dates for the tour or that Ill Nino / Spineshank co-headline. If you happen to hear a sporadic sucking sound, like that of a plumber’s helper when working on a stopped-up drain, that’s just our server processing new information for The Machine. And if you think you’re hearing something that sounds like a school of hungry piranha ripping the flesh from a cow’s skeleton, not to worry, for that’s just the sound our server makes when listing dates for L.A. Guns, Loretta Lynn and The Lovin’ Spoonful.

Of course, there’s that other sound. The sound of people cheering and angels singing, followed by the sound one makes when counting out $100 bills. However, that’s not the sound our server makes when someone calls up the listings for The Marshall Tucker Band, Scout, or even Scout Niblett. Oh, no.

That’s the sound our server makes when management gives all of us hardworking tour-date researchers raises.

At least, we think that’s the sound. Sometimes you just have to use your imagination.