“Hey, Roger! Long time, no see. How’s life in the independent concert promotion business?”

“Not so good these days, Rick. Between artists upping their appearance fees and the big promotion companies trying to squeeze out little guys like me, sometimes I feel like I’m caught between the proverbial ‘rock and a hard place.'”

“Cheer up, music man. I used to be like you. I used to think that life was playing me for a sucker. That is, until I found this book.”

“Uh? The Wit and Wisdom of Arnold Schwarzenegger? But what’s a bodybuilder-turned-actor-turned-politician got to do with me? I’m trying to keep my head above water booking shows with Warrant and Andrea Bocelli. I’m not running for governor of California.”

“But the words of Arnold are good for any situation Roger. For example, what’s going on in your life at this very moment?”

“Well, I’m trying to buy a Shania Twain date. But her agent doesn’t think I’m a big enough promoter.”

“Okay. Now, look at what Arnold says on page 519.”

“Hmmm… I was born to be a leader. I love the fact that millions of people look up to me. You know, Rick, Arnold might have something there.”

“Of course, he does, Roger. He’s spent over 25 years in the public eye, flexing his muscles and shooting off his mouth. If there’s anybody who knows anything about life, it’s Arnold. Now, what have you got going next week?”

“Fighting with the city council over my new amphitheatre. They want me to open it up to other promoters. Heck, all I intended was to have my own venue so that I could present shows by Mana or Galactic. However, the idiots on the council say the current situation is ‘too monopolistic.'”

“Really? I think Arnold has something to say about that on page 152.”

“Oh, yeah? Lemmee see… Oh, here it is. As you know, I don’t need to take any money from anybody. I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people. Wow! That’s… that’s… so like me!”

“Of course it is, Roger. Only Arnold is a big enough man to understand the little guy. That’s why he’s dead set on overturning a legal election and giving the people what they deserve. Now, didn’t I read in the paper last week that the council was also giving you grief about the noise level of next week’s Norah Jones concert? Look at what Arnold says on page 861.”

“Okay. Hmmm… I don’t want to get into that right now. Cripe! That’s sooo on target.'”

“Isn’t it, though? And what about that environmental impact study on the parking lot for your new amphitheatre? You know, the one that claims you’re endangering the natural habitat for the three-testicled Dumpster diver? I think you should see what Arnold says on page 481.”

“Uh… Arnold says… Don’t worry about that. Wow! Why didn’t I say that?”

“Because you’re not Arnold. Now, isn’t someone suing you right now?”

“Oh, you’re talking about that lawsuit claiming that I held back tickets for Ill Nino and Alice Cooper and sold them to scalpers.”

“Page 701.”

“Hmmm… Nothing will haunt me.

“More obvious words were never spoken, Roger. Believe me, if you follow the advice laid down in The Wit and Wisdom of Arnold Schwarzenegger, nothing will stop you. Not the city council, not the environmental whackos, not even those big promoters that want to run you out of business.”

“I’m convinced, Rick. And to think I always considered Arnold to be nothing but a muscle-bound actor with a Viennese accent and a Kennedy for a wife. I was sooo wrong. This guy knows everything there is to know about the concert business.”

“You bet Arnold knows everything about the concert biz, Roger. After all, why do you think they call him the tour-minator?”