“Hey, Frank. You look exhausted. Another late night?”

“You said it, Jim. I spent all night talking to them, but it was like trying to talk to the proverbial stone wall. No matter what I told them, they just wouldn’t sign off on the affidavit.”

“Sign? Affidavit? Lemme guess. You must mean the RIAA amnesty program.”

“You got it, Jim. I mean, I tried to reason with them, but they just wouldn’t listen. They insisted that they had a right to download songs by Chantal Kreviazuk and Keb’ Mo’. They said the major labels have enough money, and that if they didn’t charge full price for CDs, that none of this would happen. They say it’s payback time.”

“I hear you, Frank. I had the same talk with my family the night before last.”


“And I told them that grabbing songs off of Kazaa and Morpheus was wrong, that it was tantamount to walking into Wal-Mart and slipping that new Simon & Garfunkel box set into their backpacks, then pulling out an automatic weapon and mowing down all the sales clerks before walking out the door.”


“They didn’t buy it.”

“Did you tell them the RIAA would sue them?”

“Of course I did, Frank. But did they care? Heck no.”

“So, what did you do?”

“Well, I tried to reason with them. I told them that bands and artists like Phil Lesh & Friends or The Juliana Theory put food on the table by selling CDs, and that swapping songs on P2P networks would destroy the economic foundation of the recording business, which in turn would be followed by a recession, depression, famine and pestilence, thereby eliminating the modern music industry as we know it.”


“They just laughed. They asked why they should stop when everybody else is downloading songs off of the Net.”

“I’ve heard that one before. How did you answer them?”

“I asked them if they would jump off of a cliff because everybody else was doing it. That’s when they told me I wasn’t being cool.”

“Boy, doesn’t that sound familiar?”

“Uh, uh. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t going to convince them to stop sharing songs. That logic and reason just wasn’t the ticket to get them to stop downloading major label material like Michael Buble or Dixie Chicks. That’s when I laid down the law.”

“Oh, no. You didn’t tell them -“

“That’s right. I looked them in the eyes and said, “THIS IS MY HOUSE AND WHILE YOU LIVE IN MY HOUSE YOU’LL DO WHAT I SAY!”

“And that worked?”

“Heck no. They just laughed at me. Then they went back to the computer and started downloading songs by Santana, Steely Dan and Steve Winwood.”

“So what you’re saying is that nothing works. That there’s no way to convince them to stop song-sharing.”

“Oh, no. I didn’t say that. Take a look at this.”

“Huh? The RIAA affidavits? And they signed them?”

“That’s right. Plus, they erased all the illegal songs, including the latest releases by Radiohead and The Used, from the hard drive.”

“But how?”

“Simple, Frank. I just told them what would happen to them if they didn’t sign.”

“You mean…”

“That’s right, Frank. I told them if they didn’t stop ripping off the major labels, I’d send them back to the nursing home.”

“But isn’t that a little drastic, Jim? After all, they are your parents.”

“Maybe so, Frank. But taking their dentures away doesn’t always get their attention like it used to.”