Greetings, gents! What can I do for you today?

It’s where tickets for Shania Twain and Simon & Garfunkel can be had without paying the service charges. It’s where they never sell a nosebleed seat for Phish and obstructed view seats for The Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band do not exist. And they’ve never heard of convenience fees…

Welcome to Crazy Tex & Wilma’s Wild West Emporium and Ticket Outlet. I’m Crazy Tex. What can I do yer for?

Yes, Crazy Tex & Wilma’s Wild West Emporium and Ticket Outlet, where you can find the best prices on porcupine eggs and stuffed jackalopes this side of the Rockies…

Over there is Francis the Dancing Chicken. Turn up that electric burner under her feet and she’ll dance to George Jones, Santana and Pearl Jam.

But it’s selling concert tickets where Crazy Tex really shines, for he always has the best seats at the best prices…

Sure, I have Eagles tickets. Front row, too. How much? Oh, fifteen, maybe twenty dollars.

In fact, Crazy Tex & Wilma’s Wild West Emporium is the only ticket outlet in the world that regularly sells tickets below box office cost…

Also got some Bob Dylan tickets. I’m lettin’ em go for $20 per. Buy four and I’ll knock down the price to $15 a piece.

No one knows how Crazy Tex can sell concert tickets so cheap…

So where you fellows from? Vegas, eh? And you’re going down San Diego way to see Radiohead at the Coors Amphitheatre? That should be a good one. If you don’t mind my asking, what kind of seats do you folks have for the show?

Or why Crazy Tex never sells a bad seat…

Front row, eh? Sounds great. Uh, I don’t suppose you’d let me look at them, would you?

But Crazy Tex always sells tickets for all the big shows, like David Bowie and Andrea Bocelli, at prices unheard of at Ticketmaster or Tickets.com…

Yep! Those are great looking tickets. Now, let me show you fellows something.

So when you’re itchin’ to see a show, whether it’s Red Hot Chili Peppers, My Morning Jacket or Anne Murray, Crazy Tex & Wilma’s Wild West Emporium and Ticket Outlet always has your ticket…

Betcha never saw a shotgun like this before. Guys, say hello to Wilma.

That’s Crazy Tex & Wilma’s Wild West Emporium and Ticket Outlet. Just look for the sign somewhere between Los Angeles and Las Vegas…

Hello, Charley? Crazy Tex, here. Got room in that chop shop of yours for a 2001 Lexus SUV? You do? Good. Oh, and I’m gonna need that boy of yours to dig me a couple more holes out back. By the way, do you and the little lady still want to see Radiohead?

He’ll leave the light on for you.