And this is a very special week for all of our employees at You see, we’ve been very concerned about our workers’ health as of late. What with all the stories in the press about fat and obesity, we took a long, hard look at our workers’ diets and found them lacking. Too much meat, too much cholesterol, too much Jack Daniels. So we decided to do something. Not just for workers, but for the company as well.

That’s right. We turned vegetarian.

Statistics show that 75 percent of all tour-date researchers who eschew meat in their diets live approximately 25 percent longer than those who have a history of one, or more cardiac arrests. Furthermore, of that 25 percent, at least 100 percent live about 35 percent longer than the remaining 75 percent who passed on before 2002. You got to admit. It’s hard to argue with those numbers.

Plus, the results were amazing.

First of all, we immediately noticed our workers could process Sarah Brightman dates 25 percent faster than before once they gave up meat and switched to a hardy diet of fruits and vegetables. Furthermore, substituting tofu for our daily jerky breaks resulted in a 45 decrease in the average amount of time our workers spent in the restrooms, which in turn resulted in a 21 percent speed increase in processing data for Hilary Duff and Sugarcult, not to mention a 39 percent decrease in plumbing bills and TP expenditures. But don’t take our word for it. Add it up yourself. Numbers don’t lie.

Of course, switching 9,429 employees to a strict vegetarian diet is a little more complicated than sending out an email to all workers. Our in-house chef had to make some adjustments as well. No more Slaughterhouse Surprise Thursdays, no more Prime Rib Sushi Tuesdays. Instead, it’s nothing but good health and good eating, with fresh fruits and veggies like raisins and tomatoes, lentils and tubers. The perfect food for fueling the concert database that brings you dates for bands like Phish and Genitorturers and artists like Jewel and Elvis Costello each and every day.

Yes, we love our new vegetarian lifestyle. There’s so much you can do with vegetables and fruit, that we could kick ourselves for not foregoing meat much, much earlier in our careers. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we really have to get back to work. That is, as soon as we finish of this bowel of chocolate-covered raisins, as well as this plate of french fries and refried beans. Could someone please pass the ketchup?