Surprised? Join the club. After all, we spend each day dealing with the probability and randomness of the touring industry as we strive to nail down performance dates such as Gomez playing in New York on January 20. We deal with inquiries 24/7, we strive to come up with all the answers to most of the $64,000 questions. Or in the case of Chicago, questions 67 & 68. We’ve dedicated our lives looking for the answers to such questions as to where Blondie is playing in December, which bands are playing Omaha in February and how to reduce expenses, increase profits, and recycle cyclamates. In short, it’s not easy being us.

But we’re not surprised when people expect us to have all the answers. In fact, that’s why we employ the greatest minds of the 21st century to aid us in bringing you dates for Art Alexakis, Sugarcult and Bette Midler. We have experts in quantum mechanics, chronological theory, groupie psychology and venue-parking dynamics, all working diligently in their areas of expertise, studying the ins and outs, the yings and yangs, and the ebb and flow of the tidal forces that govern the concert industry and ultimately produce such listings as the line up for the show on December 7. So much data, so many concerts, so little time to list them before they become like yesterday’s litter box – sandy and coarse, with a dreadful odor rising from underneath.

Of course, we can’t do it alone. We have consultants. Hardly a day goes by when we don’t appeal to distinguished think tanks for advice and consultation. The Rand Corporation, Fresno Cerebral Foundation, even the Cato Institute (btw – Mr. Kaelin says “hi.”). We’re not ashamed to seek the answers elsewhere. Whether that be at the finest laboratories in the world, the most fabulous libraries, or the cheapest taverns, we search, we explore, we rummage and we scrimmage to come up with the answers to life’s questions that can be expressed in the simplest terms, like the Counting Crows playing six nights in San Francisco in December.

So we may not have all the answers, but we’re working on it. Where is Acceptance playing on December 18? Which band is supporting Godsmack in November? Who really shot JFK, and was it the same person who shot JR? Yes, we’ve answered those questions, every single one of them. In fact, we’ve answered questions that haven’t even been asked, queries that haven’t been queried and popped torts for future retorts. In other words, we have the answers to most of the questions, 99.9 percent of them to be exact, but we’re not perfect. We’re not infallible. But we are trying.

Even so, we still can’t figure out why Ashton Kutcher is a star. Hmmm… Perhaps we should ask Mr. Kaelin. Again.