Deep questions for a 9-year-old, especially one from Des Moines. But Jimmy isn’t the first to question the safeguards protecting the planet’s largest third-party concert database from those seeking to bring havoc to the otherwise placid world of today’s concert fan. As we all know, the collection of dates, cities and venues that interconnect to form routing itineraries for acts big and small make up the metaphysical infrastructure on which this country thrives. Without schedules for, say Meat Loaf or Seal, society would cease to function, turmoil would rule the day, gigantic media conglomerates would crumble, and we wouldn’t even have Fox News to tell us why it’s all Clinton’s fault.

Not a pretty picture, is it?

But is secure? Sure, the guard towers and electrified fencing, as well as the landmines and quicksand forming the quarter-mile no-man’s-zone between the outer perimeter and our moat, looks impressive. But we’ve learned from experience when it comes to dealing with those obsessed with disrupting the free-flow of concert data for someone like Kid Rock. Your common everyday terrorist knows no fear and will stop at nothing to upset the natural rhythm of our social order.

That’s why we’ve taken steps to arm each and every one of our employees with the best semi-automatic weapons available, for our biggest fear is that terrorists will one day discover how to infiltrate our facility from the inside. Perhaps they’ll hide amidst the Guinness deliveries, or maybe they’ll arrive disguised as Yanni or Westlife. No matter, our seasoned data operators trust no one and suspect everyone. Plus, to heighten their finely-honed talents of perception, we feed each worker an energy drink of our own concoction, chock-full of sugar, caffeine and some little white pills we pick up at the local truck stop on alternate Thursdays.

The end results? During the last week alone, our data-jockeys have uncovered over 581 terrorists amongst us, including key executives, vice-presidents and corporate board members. Heck, hardly a day goes by when an operator, after finishing the update for Diana Ross or Bryan Adams, stands up at his or her work station, takes a good look around the cube farm, then with eyes depicting rage and anger, shouts out “DIE TERRORIST SCUM!,” before capping yet another traitor to the cause.

So in answer to little Jimmy Baker’s questions: Yes, we’ve taken steps to protect our concert database from those that would do it harm. After all, if someone purposely mixed up the dates for Paul Anka with the routing for Marilyn Manson, our civilization might very well devolve into roving mobs of flesh-eating mutants wandering the streets looking for their next Happy Meals. Difficult? Sure it is, but no one said it would be easy. However, that’s our mission in life. To protect the world from chaos and anarchy by providing secure tour schedules for the Jimmy Bakers of the world.

Oh, and about Jimmy’s third question regarding world peace: We’ve forwarded it to Sting. After all, we don’t have all the answers.