We will no longer crab about high ticket prices. After all, everything goes up – gas, food, bail bonds – and concert tickets are no different. Celine Dion, Sting, Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine – they all charge top dollar and they’re worth every penny. Hey, we’re not so young that we don’t remember when bands like Yes or The Allman Brothers Band charged less than 10 bucks per ticket. But then, we can also remember when Rolling Stone was a music magazine.

We’re not going to download any more songs via P2P file-sharing networks. No more grabbing a Liz Phair track during the morning break. No more downloading the David Bowie catalogue during lunch. No more downloading David Lee Roth’s collection of number one hits while waiting for a dial tone. Get it straight. Downloading via P2P is stealing! Borrowing from your friend and burning a copy is fair use.

And we’re no longer going to call Clear Channel, and ask if they book Prince Albert in a can.

Speaking of phone calls, we’re also going to stop harassing that Wayne Newton fan in Des Moines.

We’re also going to treat our local promoters with the dignity and respect their profession deserves. After all, they work hard all year to bring fine entertainment like Toby Keith and Norah Jones to our arenas and theatres, and they deserve the reverence to which they are entitled to. Besides, they always give us free tickets.

And we’re going to stop undressing Britney Spears with our mind. That’s sooo old skool.

Of course, that’s not all of our new year’s resolutions, but it’s a start. We’re still working on a smoking compromise with our doctor, as well as refraining from offering sexual favors in return for free parking at shows by Neil Young and Bette Midler. But you got to admit, it’s a fine list of resolutions. A list that’s guaranteed to uplift and improve the life of anyone who chooses to follow the above declarations. Make no mistake about it. This is the road to Wellville!

That is, if we don’t bludgeon ourselves to death from boredom first. Striving for perfection can be so trying.