“Hello, Mr. Jones. What can I do for you today?”

“Well, Doctor, it’s about that medication you prescribed for me. I’ve been experiencing some mighty strange side effects.”


“Uh, uh. For example, after I first started taking it, I had this uncontrollable urge to dress up as Cher, go down to the bus station and belt out ‘Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves’ to everybody arriving on the 5:15 bus from Scranton.”

“Hmmm… That is a tad unusual. But side effects like that are to be expected with a new experimental drug. That’s why the big pharmaceutical companies give them out for free before the FDA approves them.”

“But that was just the beginning, Doctor. On the second day, I bought front row tickets for Phil Collins on eBay. Then I started heckling him as soon as he walked on stage. But the best part of the show was when he asked me to stop, and I yelled out, ‘So, sue, sue, suedio, me!’ That’s where I got this.”

“The black eye?”

“Uh, uh. Heck, Phil was all over me like greed on Martha Stewart. Lemmee tell you, that little guy knows how to punch.”

“I’ll bet. Then what happened?”

“On the third day I snuck on board the Eagles tour bus. That’s where I lost my two front teeth.”

“I was meaning to ask you about that. How did that happened?”

“Well I kept confusing Don Henley with an ex-band member. I kept yelling out, ‘Yo! Felder! Get me another beer!’ That’s when Glenn Frey and Joe Walsh held me down while Henley beat me with a baseball bat, saying that he was going to ‘take it to the limit.'”

“Ouch! That must have hurt.”

“Only when I laugh, but I didn’t have any time. After the Eagles threw me off the bus, I hitched a ride with Britney Spears. Long story short, we stopped in Vegas, got married, got annulled, after which, her legal team shoved an airline ticket to Miami Beach into my pocket, then kicked me out the door.”


“What else could I do, Doctor? I flew to Miami, where I stripped off all my clothes and hitchhiked down the road in an exclusive neighborhood, just like Madonna in that Sex book.”

“I’ll bet that was a sight.”

“Caused three accidents. You would have thought those Floridians had never seen a 300 pound naked Canadian before.”

“Not many people have, Mr. Jones. And all these actions were due to side effects from your medication?”

“Without a doubt, Doctor. I’ve never acted that way before. In fact, that’s why I’m here, Doctor.”

“You want me to prescribe a different medication?”

“Well… Not exactly, Doc.”

“Oh? Then -“

“I was hoping you would double the dose.”