You may have seen last month’s description in Guns & Bunker Magazine describing our concrete-hardened databank encasement, or perhaps you caught last week’s spotlight on the Sentry Channel depicting the automated, rapid-fire defense robots that patrol our outer perimeter. In fact, as you browse today’s new dates for Andrew W.K. and Brides Of Destruction, you probably think our data is secure from every man-made threat under the sun. What’s more, you would be correct.

But what about all those other dangers that might harm a Web site such as this? Is adequately protected from earthquakes, floods, plagues and same-sex marriages? Those are the questions most people don’t even dare ask, let alone think, while they peruse our database looking for that special date for Anthrax or checking on whether Zebrahead or The Beautiful Mistake might be playing nearby. Have we taken the necessary steps to ensure the survival of the database in the event of catastrophe, malady and obesity?

Not to worry. For not only have we’ve taken the necessary precautions to protect and to serve up dates for Clay Aiken, The Blood Brothers and Keith Urban, but we’ve taken the unnecessary precautions as well. Yes, we’re well protected against every possible threat and we’ve applied preventative measures regarding every impossible menace. In short, we have contingency plans for every emergency big and small, real and imagined, so that you, the user, can rely on our data 24/7.

Worried about that next big meteor strike? No problem! Our titanium-lined data vaults are located several miles underground, thus ensuring that the dates for David Bowie, Prince and Cher are impervious from any wayward chunk of space rock that might be floating our way. Feel safer yet? Of course you do.

But that’s not all. The greenhouse effect, global warming, nuclear winter, moral depravity – we’ve taken all the precautions to ensure that, when this world is nothing but a dying ember in the cosmos, our servers will still be listing tour dates for all acts big and small, like Nashville Pussy playing in Cincinnati on June 4, way beyond that inevitable moment when that great big concert-touring machine known as Earth nods off into its eternal slumber leaving only the cockroaches to rule in our absence. Now, that’s security!

Okay, maybe we were exaggerating a bit about the cockroaches. After all, those loathsome insects’ survivability is only a theory, and no one really knows if the little buggers would survive a global catastrophe.

Lawyers on the other hand…