You may have seen the news stories claiming that we failed in our attempt to takeover Disney. Let us assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. Disney’s stockholders were for it. Our stockholders were for it. Even Michael Eisner was for it. So you can forget about all this talk about “failing” to takeover Disney. Instead, we voluntarily walked away from the deal. We bowed out. We took a powder. We backed off. We… well, you get the picture.

It wasn’t as if we didn’t want Disney. In fact, we had some great plans for the House That Walt Built. For example, if we had acquired Disney, our first order of business would have been to display major tour information, like the schedules for Sting, Shania Twain and Van Halen, during the opening credits of every Disney film to be released this summer. Of course, displaying an endless list of dates, cities and venues at the start of each film may not necessarily sell more movie tickets, but if you’ve seen Disney’s summer movie lineup, you’ll have to agree that it wouldn’t hurt either.

And we had such grand plans for Disneyland, which would have been renamed Pollstarland if only we had followed through on our takeover plans. Imagine! Snow White and the Seven Metallica Roadies! KISS Groupies of the Caribbean! Tarzan’s Incubus Tour Bus! Gosh, we still get excited just thinking about it.

But some things were not meant to be. However, that doesn’t mean we’re not looking for other acquisitions to boost our bottom line. Hooters, Depends, Smith & Wesson – those are all fine companies that would benefit immensely if brought under the corporate umbrella and subjected to the same managerial discipline that has made this company number one for so many years. Who knows? Maybe someday you’ll arrive at your job and discover that you’re working for us. It could happen.

In the meantime we’ll keep plugging in dates for acts like Broken Spindles, Andrew W.K. and Danger Mouse, while our corporate raiding staff looks for new companies to plund… er… new opportunities to pursue. But you can forget about us taking over Disney, for we realized that combining a company devoted to fantasy with a feet-planted-firmly-on-the-ground company like just wouldn’t work out in the long run. Sure, it looked good on paper, but in reality… Well, that’s another story.

Besides, when you get right down to it, Disney isn’t as great as it’s cracked up to be. All in all, it’s just another Mickey Mouse company.