Suddenly, you spot him. Standing in the midst of all this organized chaos, he’s sizing up a repossesed Mercedes from the recently cancelled Christina Aguilera tour. You don’t think he hears you as you approach him from behind, but at the last minute he turns around, looks you right in the eyes and says, “It’s about time you got here.”

And there you stand, face to face with the man who runs the concert industry.

“Thanks for meeting me here at the motor pool,” he says as he reaches into the tailpipe of a stretch limousine and pulls out a charred legal pad. “Here’s the itinerary for Aerosmith. We’re sending them out in that ’71 Mustang. You need a classic muscle car like that to keep a tour like this rolling.”

It’s then that you notice that these are not ordinary vehicles. On your left is a brand new custom four-wheel recreation vehicle with personalized plates shouting out “Ozzy!” Over to your right is a Caddy SUV with Hansonmobile printed plainly on the side. But what really catches your eye is the reconverted BMW gasoline / electric hybrid, with a king’s throne for a driver’s seat. The man who runs the concert industry notices your interest.

“That’s for Sting,” he says. “All the comforts of home.”

It’s at that point in your meeting that the man starts shoving endless reams of paper into your hands. Here’s the schedule for Lollapalooza he says. “Also Simon & Garfunkel, Metallica and that Alanis Morissette / Barenaked Ladies co-headline. The boys in the routing and development department plan the tours, and we build the cars and buses that get them from city to city. It’s as simple as that.”

Mission accomplished, you turn and head towards the door, but you stop dead in your tracks when you see the monstrous vehicle that’s just returned from the car wash. The size of a Greyhound bus, it has nine-inch armored plating, a front bumper the size of a redwood and tank treads instead of tires. Furthermore, trailing from its back bumper is a ten-foot stretch of rope. Which band, which artist, which tour could possibly need so much heavy-duty protection? Britney? Jessica Simpson? William Hung?

“Oh, that’s not for a tour,” says the man who runs the concert industry as he notices your interest in the vehicle. “That baby is special order. Strictly for private use.”

What? Who possibly could need so much protection? Who lives so dangerously that he or she needs a vehicle that looks as if it could plow through a brick wall and emerge with nary a scratch? And what’s up with that rope?

“Yes, that is a monster, isn’t it,” says the man who runs the concert industry, clearly amused at your bafflement. “That’s for Billy Joel. He’s making another pizza run tonight, and we promised the folks on Long Island that we’d keep him on a short leash.”