In other words, in the event of a sudden ice age, what would happen to concerts?

To be sure, the 21st century concert industry is the most durable, most indestructible of all the professions specializing in extracting currency from its owners. But could a major show, such as one of Eric Clapton‘s three concerts scheduled for the Big Apple at the end of this month, run into any of the problems depicted in the film, such as a wall of water surging through mid-town Manhattan, hungry wolves attempting to devour high school nerds, or an abrupt loss of cell phone connectivity?

“Glaciers moving down from the Arctic might put a damper on the summer season in parts of North America,” says world-renowned weather expert , Harris K. Telemacher, whose groundbreaking work, Snowin’ In The Wind, depicted how sudden climate changes, including an idiot wind coupled with predictions of a hard rain, could affect future Bob Dylan tours. “However, for every person displaced from their lawn seats at major amphitheatres by the sudden appearance of mammoth chunks of ice plowing through the turnstiles and 12-pound balls of hail falling from the sky, major indoor venues, like Anaheim’s and DC’s , stand ready to take up the slack by relocating those people into slightly obstructed-view seats behind soundboards at shows by Metallica, Simon & Garfunkel and Van Halen. Civilization wills survive!”

Of course, a thriving business is only as good as its infrastructure. Several miles beneath West Hollywood’s nightclub, lies a concrete-impregnated bunker ready to act as an emergency command center in the event of a sudden global change threatening the concert industry. Loaded with the necessary supplies and equipment needed to book future shows for bands like Boston, Fishbone and The Hives, the shelter comes complete with spare Roladexes, freeze-dried box lunches prepared by Wolfgang Puck and plenty of electronic service-charge calculators to insure the survival of the concert industry.

However, the emergency command center has sparked some controversy within the concert community. Stories circulating that, in the event of an unexpected Armageddon, only those promoters, managers and agents whose names appear on a rumored “A List” will be granted access to the bunker have caused an unusually higher than normal spike in the paranoia level, causing many concert biz insiders to speculate as to whether they will be judged on their professional abilities, or if the number of tickets they sold for Alanis Morissette and Soulfly will be the only deciding factor determining if they’re permitted access to the shelter.

“That old chestnut has been making the rounds for years,” says Telemacher. “Some say that only promoters who do shows with established country artists, like Alan Jackson or George Strait will be allowed into the bunker. Others say that only managers for top-selling acts like Aerosmith or John Mayer will have a reserved seat in the command center. When in reality, the concert industry is just as prepared for doomsday as it is for any other day of the week, and all industry personnel, big and small, shall find adequate space in the shelter to ensure the survival of the concert arts as we know it in the event of a sudden, climatic change.”


“Well everybody except those doing Vanilla Ice shows,” answers Telemacher. “For them it would be strictly Ice, Ice Baby!”