Tours de Farce: A Suitcase Full Of Blues
That’s what I’ve been wondering as I pass through this thing called middle age. Is there someone with whom I can share my life? Is there someone who loves concerts as much as I do? Is there someone who understands that spending the rent money on tickets for Kid Rock, and blowing the food budget on parking and service charges for Rod Stewart, The Mavericks and Ill Nino, is just another way of saying “I love you?” Is there someone for me?
It’s not like I have problems meeting people. Take Judith, for example. I met her about a year after her husband turned up missing at a BR549 show. She was towing a Samsonite 550 Series II wheeled suitcase behind her as our eyes met from across a crowded arena at a George Strait concert. But it didn’t work out. She was a jamband fan while I preferred the lush, finely crafted pop tunes of Sting, and she dropped me at a Trout Fishing In America show when she caught me looking at my watch. Such is life.
Then there was Helen, whose long-time boyfriend left her for Avril Lavigne. I can still remember how sexy she looked as she slung her Tumi T3 garment bag over her shoulder. We thought we were compatible, for we shared the same fascination with The Rapture and The Walkmen, and we’d fly all over the country to see those two bands. Yeah, we thought we had everything. Everything, that is, until we started arguing about setlists and which songs would make better encores. She could be so unreasonable.
And who could ever forget Rita? Rita of the C&N extra large footlocker, the Travelpro 22-inch expandable Rollaboard suiter and the US Luggage ballistic / nylon overnighter. Man, we had some great times. That is, until she met that Sonic Youth roadie who looked just like her fifth husband. The one who somehow ended up between Ted Nugent and his chain saw. I hope she’s happy.
Like I said, I never have any problems meeting people – Psychotic Sally and her High Sierra 24-inch cargo duffel, Neurotic Nora and her Victornix Trooper duffle, Klepto Kasey and her Dakota MTX 18-inch duffle – but forging a lasting relationship in the new millennium is difficult if not downright impossible, and it always ends up the same old story. She likes Van Halen, while I want to see Yes and The Hot Club Of Cowtown. Yeah, meeting available ladies is no problem. No problem at all.
I just wish they didn’t come with all that baggage.