I’d like to see Bette Midler in New York, but $250 per ticket is a bit rich for my blood. Are concert ticket prices always that expensive?

That depends on what you consider expensive. When compared with other “big-ticket” items, such as bail bonds, spleen transplants and tattoo removal, concert tickets are easily the best bargain around. Besides, pound for pound, dollar for dollar, few things in life will give you more satisfaction than spending money on great seats for the Eagles or Sting, then bragging to your friends about how much it costs you. Remember, it’s a proven fact that the more you spend, the better you’ll feel about yourself.

I just turned 18 and all my friends tell me that I look just like a teenage Cher. With that in mind, why is that when I go to a show, say The Moody Blues or The Tragically Hip, big men wearing toolbelts are constantly asking if I want to go someplace called “backstage?”

Oh, you lucky person! Those big men wearing toolbelts are called “roadies” and they are dedicated to seeing that people like you experience concert life to the fullest, and are only happy when you’re happy. Needless to say, roadies just want to have fun.

A three-part question, if you will. First, I can’t make up my mind between seeing The Beach Boys or Brian Wilson. Secondly, if I buy tickets for a show, The Doobie Brothers, for example, and they don’t play all my favorites, like “China Grove” and “Black Water,” can I sue? And finally, which artist is really the antichrist? Eminem or Mick Jagger?

Answers (in order asked): 1. The more expensive the ticket, the better the show. 2. Only in California. 3. Barry Manilow.

I live in Buffalo, New York, and my friends want me to go with them to Toronto to see Kid Rock and Jack Johnson, but I’m concerned about the language barrier. Any suggestions?

Not to worry. All Canadian venues feature special headphones built right into the seats that provide instantaneous Canadian to English translations for their Yankee comrades. This service is free and is one of the side benefits of Canada’s socialized medicine program.

Later this week we’ll discuss how much one should tip parking lot attendants, restroom attendants and T-shirt salespeople. We regret that time and space limitations prevent us from answering all the questions submitted to our offices.