Tours de Farce: It’s In The Mail
That’s right, snail-mail. Old fashioned, lick-the-stamp, seal-the-envelope, U.S. Postal Service mail. Three deliveries per day, even Sundays and holidays. That’s how much mail we get.
Surprised? Most people who can read probably are, for the common assumption is that email has replaced the first-class letters of the past. After all, it’s easier to tap out a missive on a keyboard, hit SEND, and know your message has reached its destination, than it is to buy stamps, lick the envelope, walk down to the corner mailbox and send your saliva-encrusted letter off on its five-day plus journey. Besides, with email, there’s no DNA trace, which definitely helps purveyors of threats, libel and ransom notes.
But we digress.
Our point is this; because writing and mailing an old-fashioned letter takes more effort than sending an electronic you-and-the-horse-you-rode-in-on flame-mail, the traditional messages our postman brings us each day appear to be more creative and thoughtful than any email we ever received.
For example, yesterday we received a quite official-looking email stating that three-sphinctered space aliens from the planet Colitis have taken over the concert industry. The writer was very specific, detailing how the aliens had booked shows for Erasure, had produced concerts by Clint Black and Dolly Parton, and had even managed the personal affairs of R.E.M., Van Halen and Yanni. A joke? Maybe so, but the letter’s author appeared to be quite serious.
Furthermore, the writer also included documents stating that the chief space alien is none other than our lovable Vice President Dick Cheney. According to the documents, Mr. Cheney, who is referred to in the documents as Intergalactic Chief Of Staff Eric Cartman, spends his days in an undisclosed location cooking up schemes for world domination by inserting subliminal messages into songs by Sting, Barry Manilow and Wayne Newton which urge listeners to submit to his authority. Furthermore, these documents, which appear, on the surface to be quite legitimate, detail secret meetings with the Indigo Girls and Jimmy Buffett where Mr. Cheney and his alien cohorts, specifically Donald “Mr. Spock” Rumsfeld and John “Mork-From Ork” Ashcroft, instruct various bands and artists on the future world takeover by extra-terrestrials.
Preposterous? Perhaps. After all, with modern technology anyone can create an authentic-looking document that appears to have been issued by the planetary high council of Colitis instructing Helmet and Green Day to secretly convince their fans that an alien conquest of Earth would be a good thing, and that all we need do is sit back, enjoy the music and let Messrs. Cheney, Rumsfeld, Ashcroft and Dr. Who run the planet in any way they deem appropriate. However, what should one do with a letter like this one? Call the police? Notify Homeland Security? Toss it in the circular file along with those pesky pay-up-or-else letters from the power company?
Nah. That would be too easy. Instead, we’ll just do what we did with all the other official-looking docs detailing conspiracies, secret agendas and alleged blueprints for world conquest that have been mailed to us.
We’ll just forward the letter and accompanying documents to CBS News, where we’re sure they’ll know what to do with them.