You should be. After all, you have new tour dates at the click of a mouse. Willie Nelson, The Offspring, Roger Clyne & The Peacemakers – click and you shall find. What could be easier?

It didn’t used to be this way. Back in the day when you would find our company founder, Festus Pollstar, wandering the streets, gin bottle in one hand, a list of appearances for Bing Crosby in the other, grabbing total strangers and bellowing at them that Da Binger was playing at the Paramount on September 29, the emerging communications network known as the Internet was but in its infancy. You couldn’t click for Al Jolson or Tommy Dorsey. Instead you had to rely on the ramblings of a discombobulated tramp roaming through your neighborhood shouting out about all the tour schedules of the day that were scribbled on the back of a grocery bag that he stole from the local liquor store.

Of course, things are different now. Now you can spend as much time as you like leisurely clicking on hyperlinks for Chuck Berry, clicking on the “GO” button after typing in search criteria for Pedro The Lion and Sparta, even clicking on venues to see the support acts for Kittie. Yeah, Ol’ Festus saw it coming, he did – a day when everyone would click for tour information.

But it doesn’t stop here. For here at the laboratories, we’re working diligently, not only to advance Festus’ gin-soaked vision of bringing tour dates to the masses, but to bring life to Festus’ other dream. The dream that there would not only come a day when everyone would have access to the schedules for their favorite acts, like Bette Midler, Bob Dylan and KMFDM, but starvation, famine and hunger would be but a thing of the past.

For example, our latest achievement is a thin, pan-fried pastry that retains ink. This way, you can have your breakfast while looking over the latest dates for Manic Street Preachers, you can snack while perusing the appearance calendars for Scorpions and Roger Whittaker, and you can chow down while checking out the newest routings for Tim McGraw, Peter Case and Beastie Boys. It’s the realization of our founder’s greatest dream. A dream of feeding the starving masses, while at the same time, delivering to them what’s really important – dates, dates and more dates. Yes, with our pan-fried pastry Ol’ Festus’ dream will come true. A dream that some day you will have your Cake and eat it too.

Or as the boys in the labs like to say, it’s the crepe of things to come.