“Don’t mind at all, Sam. What’s up?”

“Well, I saw you at the Bob Dylan show the other night with a gorgeous brunette.”

“That would be Sarah.”

“And on the night before, I saw you with a dynamite redhead at the Usher concert.”

“Ah, yes. Alice.”

“And last week I saw you at that R. Kelly / Jay-Z co-headline with a blond bombshell.”

“You must mean Heather. Yeah, she’s a beauty, she is.”

“That’s what I want to ask you about, Fred. Suddenly, I’m seeing you at all these shows with a different beautiful woman on your arm for each concert. How -“

“How do I do it?”

“Er… yeah. Just how do you do it, Fred? I mean, after all, if you don’t mind me saying so, you’re awfully butt ugly.”

“Ain’t that the truth? Plus, I don’t bathe and my face makes me look like the poster boy for Clearasil. But the answer is simple, my friend. My whole life changed once I became a plumber’s apprentice.”

“Huh? Plumber’s apprentice?”

“That’s right. You’re looking at the chief caulker for Coyote Acme Plumbing. Women just love guys with big caulking guns.”

“Uh, right.”

“No, really, Sam. You wouldn’t believe how many women I meet these days. Yes, sir, the ladies can’t get enough of us smooth caulkers.”

“Uh… Smooth caulkers?”

“That’s right. A little sweet caulking goes a long way when you’re riding on the freeway of love.”

“Sweet caulking? Uh, listen, Fred…”

“Like when I took Lois to see Avril Lavigne, Alisha to see R.E.M., and the twins, Tawny and Bambi, to see Wayne Newton. Heck, the women have been falling all over me since I became a plumber’s apprentice. I guess that’s because I not only walk the walk, but I caulk the caulk.”

“Er, Fred…”

“But I didn’t mean to take up any more of your time bragging about my job. No, I’m sure you have better things to do than to hear me caulk shop. But make no mistake about it, Sam, I ain’t jive caulking you. I ain’t caulking no trash. Becoming a plumber’s apprentice is the best thing I ever did. In fact, I’ve got a buddy who works down at the arena where the Scorpions are going to play next week, and he said that a bodacious babe told him that I’m the caulk of the town.”


“What, Sam?”

“Will you cut it out, already? Look, it’s bad enough to find out that an ugly sack of skin like yourself is scoring with the most beautiful women in town, but do you have to make all these corny puns about caulk?”

“Sorry, Sam. I didn’t mean to caulk and tell.”

“Besides, doesn’t it feel just a tad superficial that all these babes are going out with you just because you’re a plumber’s apprentice?”

“Oh, I try not to dwell on it, Sam.”

“Oh, yeah. Right. But tell me this, loverboy. What will you do if you ever run out of caulk and all these beautiful women leave you for the next plumber’s apprentice? Huh? What will you do then, stud?”

“Oh, I’m not worried about running out of caulk, Sam.”

“You’re not?”

“Heck, no. After all, you know what they say, Sam. Caulk is cheap.”