That’s a question we’re asked each and every day by virtually every company on the Fortune 500 list. They want to know how to find workers as smart as ours, ones that can see through the b.s. and accurately compile valuable tour info like routing changes for John Berry or new dates for Pat Metheny Group, which often results in every corporate headhunter in the country beating a path to our door and offering our employees riches beyond belief. Like the old song says, “if they can make it here they can make it anywhere.”

However, human resources is as much of an art as it is a science. Sure, we have the greatest data processing team in the world, 10,023.3 men and women who are proud to wear the official beanie as they process itineraries for Ronnie Milsap and Jeff Foxworthy, their propellers rapidly turning in the kind of breeze that can only be produced by combining central air conditioning with organic methane discharges. But truth be told, we’ve had our failures as well, for our personnel records are littered with the bodies of those who just couldn’t cut it, no matter if it was the cheese or the latest dates for the Ricky Van Shelton.

Our old-timers still like to reminisce about the lady who insisted that she just couldn’t process a single date, whether it be for Ekoostik Hookah, GWAR or Korn, unless she had her morning eye-opener of prune juice mixed with a generous dollop of Everclear. Or the man who always cleaned his guns while entering dates for Yanni and Neil Diamond, all the while talking about his dog Sam, whom he described as “a thirsty lad” who had needs that “had to be served.” Then there was the man who claimed that he invented Michael Jackson and had the spare parts to prove it.

There were others. The man who insisted upon wearing a clown costume while proofing the schedules for Bob Dylan and Live or the lady who always carried a six-foot axe in her purse and made it a point to talk to each Bret Michaels date personally. Yes, we’ve had our share of the wacky, the unusual, even the bizarre as we assembled the crack tour processing team that brings you dates for bands like Barenaked Ladies and Helmet 24/7.

And maybe someday we’ll tell you about the ones that we had to let go.