It all started with a phone call to one of our data entry people, Operator #413. As soon as she answered the phone, a man’s voice on the other end asked her if she had the dates for Mercury Rev. “Of course,” she said. Then he asked her if she knew where Lucero is playing next month. “Sure I do,” she answered. And then he asked her if she was wearing any underwear. That’s when she hung up.
But that didn’t stop there. The guy calls another data entry person, Operator #798, and asks her about The Black Halos. However, no sooner does she start talking about the band’s date in New York City, he interrupts her and tells her that he’d like to take her to see John Fogerty, and that after the show, he would show her a real “bad moon rising.” She hung up, of course.
But the guy didn’t take the hint. Suddenly, he’s calling all the data entry people. He tells Operator #410 that he wants to take her to see Van Halen, where he’ll run his hands up and down her body like Eddie moves his fingers on the guitar frets. Then he calls Operator #581, and says that he wants her to go with him to see Drowning Pool, where he’ll “warm her up hotter than the opening act warms up the stage.” But that wasn’t nearly as bad as when he called Operator #591 and told her that he “wanted to play her like Yanni plays his organ.”
Needless to say, all those suggestive phone calls caused quite a problem in the Pollstar.com processing pit. All day long it was one call after another, each one lewder than the previous call, until all of our operators became so flustered and annoyed that it slowed down the processing of new dates for Anastacia, The Iguanas and David Mallett. What could we do?
We tried calling the police, but they said that they would have to catch him in the act. And we tried calling the phone company, but they told us that there was a backlog in their complaint department and that they wouldn’t be able to deal with our problem until next month. That’s when we realized that we’d have to take the matter into our own hands and stop these obscene, malicious phone calls to our data operators once and for all. That is, if we wanted to get any work done, like posting the schedules for Satyricon and U.S. Maple.
So we did the only thing we could do. We called Fox News and told them to tighten the leash on Bill O’Reilly. Again.