Putting aside popular science applications like teleportation, warp-drive theory and hyperspace way stations, the odds of the human race ever physically reaching the stars are probably as remote as Roger Waters sending David Gilmour a Christmas card. The distances are too vast and our technology is too meager to transform interstellar travel into the equivalent of a quick hop over to the sports arena to see Korn.

However, that’s not to say that the presence of mankind cannot be felt among the cosmos. For over 80 years our musical essence has been beaming out to the universe in the form of radio waves, meaning, that while Captain Kirk or Shirley MacLaine will never seek out new life forms and new civilizations, our songs go before us, carried by transmissions spewing out into the void at the speed of light.

Imagine! Three-headed beings rocking out to GWAR and Ted Nugent. Ameobae-like, spineless creatures tuning into Sting and Hilary Duff. Eight legged dancing machines getting down with The Hives, Kylie Minogue and Destiny’s Child. Remarkable, isn’t it?

But what’s probably more remarkable is the hardware the citizens of the universe probably use in order to listen to Earth’s best and loudest. Imagine an immense network among the stars that has collected, catalogued and stored every musical note broadcasted from Earth during the past 80 years. Imagine green beings with three stomachs and ten eardrums jacking into the network so that they may hear Avril Lavigne and Green Day. Imagine bodiless intellects floating amidst the emptiness of space coming together to form an interstellar Yanni fanclub. These are the infinite worlds of maybe.

But will man go to the stars? Will we take our rightful place as the purveyors of music throughout the universe? Perhaps. But don’t count on the U.S. government to lead the way, for they have way too much on their collective plates as it is. And don’t expect NASA to launch a manned interstellar mission anytime soon, for they’re still trying to perfect the space shuttle. In fact, there’s only one organization that’s best equipped to allow the human race to join the vast intergalactic community that, at this very moment, is probably spreading music by Metallica, Jay-Z and Beastie Boys throughout creation.

That’s right. We’re talking about the RIAA. After all, nothing gets by them. Or their lawyers.