The breast belonged to Pollstar.com Employee #5291. After a routine monitoring of the surveillance tapes taken from the camera that watches over our processing staff, we came to realize that the employee was flashing a bit of breast while entering dates for bands like Extreme or Morbid Angel. Of course, it was just a harmless employee prank, but in the name of decency we fired his butt immediately and blackballed him and his descendants from ever working in the tour date business again.
Drastic action? Maybe so, but you can’t take any chances these days. As a bastion of the moral righteousness that exemplifies today’s concert industry, we had to nip that nipple in the bud. After all, you never know who might innocently look up concert dates, say for Steve Vai, Harry Connick Jr. or America, and discover that the person responsible for entering those dates had purposely exposed a piece of himself / herself while plugging in a data element such as Ashlee Simpson playing in Toronto on March 13.
But it didn’t stop there, for after reviewing more surveillance tapes, we discovered that various employees were flashing numerous body parts while entering concert schedules. For instance, employee #619 was showing a bit more thigh than what’s acceptable in this day and age. Employee #5191 was revealing way too much navel as she processed dates for The Whites and Employee #132’s hip-hugger jeans didn’t hug nearly enough hip to stay under the morality radar. Plus there was all that zipping and unzipping in the rest rooms. Needless to say, we were worried. Big time.
But that’s the problem with today’s morality. As soon as you cover up various body parts that must not be seen by anyone, someone goes and does something even worse. Sure, it starts with a breast, but if left unpunished, pretty soon people start showing off everything God gave them and that’s just not cool. Not when there are children and adults browsing our Web site, not to mention men and women.
What did we do about it? We installed more surveillance cameras. Not only in the Pollstar.com hallways, locker rooms and restrooms, but also in all the executive offices, broom closets and all employees’ homes as well, for if someone was showing off something they weren’t supposed to be showing, we wanted to be on top of it. As everyone knows, Pollstar.com stands for tour data, like the routing schedules for Lisa Loeb and Leon Redbone. Not various body parts which names and descriptions thereof we dare not print.
So we studied the tapes. We watched them backwards, forwards and sideways. Utilizing the photo technology that we developed for the Hubble, we printed individual frame captures, we enhanced individual pixels and we blew-up individual photos. In short, we created a complete, 24/7 record of all our employees. If someone was to expose certain body parts deemed by society to be obscene while they processed information for The Music, Otep or Addison Groove Project, we wanted to be the first to see it.
And we were shocked. That’s right. SHOCKED! For after reviewing the tapes and eyeballing the photos of our workers, we realized that the problem was much bigger than a breast, thigh, or even the occasional wing. In fact, the problem was quickly taking on incredible proportions. For it was at that time we realized that all of our employees, every single one of them, was completely naked under their clothes.
Hmmm… Looks as if we’re going to have to have to study more tapes and photographs. Not only of all our employees, but photos of all our users as well. After all, one can never be too careful when tasked with upholding the morality of the majority. So, smile for the camera. Oh, and don’t forget to say “Cheese.”