We’ll start with an easy one. First, you wanna access the video on the geographical database. That’s right. Now, zero in on the corner of Elm and 21st street. You got it? Perfect.

See that storefront on the southwest corner of the street? No, not the one where that guy is snatching that lady’s purse. You want the storefront next to where that guy is hotwiring the Lexus. That’s right. The ticket outlet. Now, press the key that brings up the interior view.

Zoom in on the counter and let’s see what that woman is doing. Hmmm… Looks as if she’s buying two tickets for the Eagles. Better increase the magnification until… Stop! Lessee… Section 125, row K, seats 11 and 12. Good. Store it to the database and let’s move on. Oh, but don’t forget to cross reference the woman’s facial features with the national profile database, as well as with the file that contains all the video tapes and DVDs she’s rented in the last 10 years. Got it? Good.

Next, we’ll check out the online action. Bring up the router schematics for Omaha. Looks as if we have some action in that home on the 2200 block of Frasier Street. Take us inside and let’s see whassup.

Oh, would you look at that? That guy seems to be having some trouble picking his tickets. Looks as if he can’t decide between Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and Motley Crue. We’ll fix that. Here, let me show you something that the boys in the lab cooked up. Press that key.

That’s right. The system is sending a subliminal message to the man’s computer screen. It’s telling him to stop wasting time and buy some tickets. What’s that? Which tickets should he buy? I don’t care. You pick the show. Yanni? Sounds good to me.

Now, let’s switch to over-view mode. This will bring up a diagram showing ticketing action in all 50 states. Amazing, isn’t it? Look over there. A male, about five-eleven and weighing 182 pounds is buying tickets for Bjorn Again, while in Wichita a woman with some usual tattoos on her left buttocks is purchasing tickets for Fairport Convention and Rascal Flatts. Oh, and look over in Miami. See those guys buying tickets for Sarah McLachlan? I know those guys. I worked with them back in the ’60s on that Bay of Pigs fiasco.

Remarkable, isn’t it? By pressing a few keys we can observe people buying concert tickets anywhere, anytime, anyplace. Then, after we store the imprint and match it against the Federal DNA Storage Center, not only can we determine the subject’s musical taste, but the likes and dislikes of his or her descendents as well. Like that woman in Denver buying tickets for Social Distortion and Gov’t Mule. According to the computer, she’s 29 years old and has two male children under five who have a 75 percent statistical probability of growing up to become Hilary Duff fans. Isn’t science wonderful?

What’s that? You wanna know why the government is spending so much time and effort observing the ticket buying habits of the American public? You’re asking why we have all this computer equipment for targeting, analyzing, investigating and scrutinizing every ticket purchase from sea to shining sea? No, it’s got nothing to do with the war on terrorism. Nothing like that. So, why do we do it?

Because we can.