To most people, the music industry is filled with the most benevolent, most kindhearted men and women that have ever walked the face of this planet. People who constantly put aside their own comfort and wellbeing so that bands like OK Go and Fishbone may bring joy and mirth to the masses. But what about those stories told late at night by industry interns fresh out of college, so-called tall tales about secret meetings, amazing technologies and hidden agendas? Sure, most people dismiss such stories as myths, but even the most outlandish legends often contain a kernel of truth.

For instance, there are those stories about a place in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border that hushed whispers often refer to as the RIAA Relocation Camp. It is here that the music industry fights a preemptive war against copyright infringement by locking up those who would illicitly duplicate, burn and distribute.

But we’re not talking about those who might use Morpheus or Kazaa to share a tune or two by Destiny’s Child or Elton John. Supposedly, this is the camp where the industry sends those who might incite massive copyright infringements by an otherwise unknowing populace. According to the rumors, this is where you’ll find the man who invented quantum matter duplication, as well as the woman who discovered the basic science behind instant teleportation, and the Canadian who figured out how to clone William Hung. Like the teen-age whiz-kid who came up with the indestructible vinyl LP in the 70s, the music industry has supposedly locked these people away, so that their efforts to help mankind won’t end up as tools of those whose only goal is to violate recording label copyrights. Myth? Maybe so. But try to find someone who will go on record to deny it.

Then there are those rumors of what may be happening deep within the woods of the state of Washington, where hunters have reported seeing strange sounds and hearing even stranger visions. The official word is that this is where the government buries radioactive waste, but some people claim that the music industry is using this location to run secret experiments in attempts to unlock the power of the mind in hopes of building a better music scene.

“The industry has assembled a group consisting of some of the best clairvoyants, telepaths and psychopaths alive today,” claims Dr. Clayton Forrester, who wishes to remain anonymous. “It is here through the incredible mental power contained within most people with brains, that the industry hopes to bring about best selling CDs, sold out concerts and superb singers like Alicia Keys and Norah Jones.”

According to Dr. Forrester, every time there is a full moon, the music industry assembles its team of psychics, psychos, and former A&R people in an attempt to mentally “beam” its message to the multitudes. Supposedly, this year’s Motley Crue reunion tour, the Queen Feat. Paul Rodgers tour, even Ashlee Simpson’s Saturday Night Live appearance all began with a group of people chanting at the moon. However, the project has had its share of failures.

“They’re even responsible for the abortive Guns N’ Roses tour that resulted in fan riots a few years back,” claims Dr. Forrester. “However, instead of concentrating their mental prowess on booking the tour, they should have spent more time utilizing their expertise in making sure that Axl showed up for the dates. Sometimes the devil really is in the details.”

Myths? Legends? Reality? These are just some of the tales emerging from today’s music industry. We’re not saying that stories about hidden relocation camps and mental giants baying at the moon represent what’s really going on behind that big smiley face otherwise known as today’s music industry. But it sure would answer more than a few questions.

Coming up later this week we’ll take a closer look at the Roswell Incident, where the government supposedly recovered several extraterrestrial musicians from a crashed UFO. Could Yanni be one of them? Stay tuned.