That’s the premise of the hottest book without pictures ever to roll off of the music press. Called “extreme music revisionism” by some, and a breath of fresh air by others, 1984 (The Day The Music Really Died), has music lovers everywhere talking about the author’s unique portrayal of the last forty-five years in music history.

Written by nineteen-year-old music historian Winston Smith, 1984 (TDTMRD) portrays rock & roll, not as the soundtrack for teenage rebellion, but as a reaffirmation of what the author claims to be mainstream youth’s inherent conservative value system combined with a staunch moral code.

“We all know that Elvis asked President Nixon to make him an undercover narcotics officer,” says Smith in his first interview since he appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show and whatever passes for a morning news program on CBS. “But what people don’t know is that the liberal media has lied to us about how music supposedly sparked a generation to question authority. All those stories about protests, the Summer of Love and Woodstock? Nothing but a big fat lie.”

And Smith goes on to expose those alleged lies, by claiming that everything from the British Invasion in the 1960s to this year’s Super Bowl half-time entertainment extravaganza is a reflection of solid conservative political thought that has been misrepresented by radical left wing scribes throughout the years.

“The Beatles, The Stones, Bob Dylan – all those bands and artists from the ’60s were purveyors of modern conservative ideology,” says Smith. “‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand’ mocked the welfare system, ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’ was a scathing indictment of socialized medicine, and ‘The Times They Are A-Changin” was an ode to Goldwater conservatism. Any fool can see that.”

But Smith doesn’t limit his claims to music’s past. Instead, he goes on to make a case for today’s music scene, claiming that artists like Peter Frampton and bands like Unwritten Law and The Wallflowers are merely carrying on in the conservative tradition established by their predecessors.

“Ashlee Simpson, Guttermouth, The Hives – you name the artist or band, and chances are they have some old Reagan campaign posters stashed away in their tour bus,” says Smith. “And Green Day? How can anyone misinterpret their latest album, American Idiot, as anything but the truth about Hillary Clinton? The proof is there. All you need to do is look for it.”

To be sure, 1984 (TDTMRD) has had its share of critics claiming that Smith is a right-wing shill, or, as Al Franken called him, “the illegitimate child of Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly.” In addressing those criticisms, Smith has only one thing to say.

“Everything in my book is true!” exclaims Smith. “Woodstock was a Nixon Youth rally, and Live Aid was designed to promote teenage sexual abstinence. Every word, every sentence, every paragraph of my book is 100 percent legit. Just like the Grammy Awards!”

Coming up later this week: Has the Bush administration convinced Hollywood to promote the privatization of Social Security by making a big-screen version of that ’70s television classic, The Sonny & Cher Show, starring Britney Spears and Kevin Federline? Stay tuned.