We’re talking about those pundits and self-proclaimed guardians of decency who immediately jump on any moral bandwagon they can find, while shouting out to the public at large that they are “outraged” by our alleged actions. They say that we are “morally corrupt,” and that Pollstar.com is just one more bastion of the liberal conspiracy agenda to take down America.

In short, they claim that we take steroids.

It’s no secret that we have the most physically fit data operators in the tour-date gathering industry. Our muscles swell as we slam in dates for Blue Floyd, and our pecs glisten with sweat and oil while we pound concert stats for Tori Amos and Buddy Guy into our databanks. But our tight waists, six-pack abs and broad, thunderous shoulders are the not products of any chemical enhancers. Oh, no. We take pride in our buff bodies, our rock-hard physiques and our rippling biceps, and to suggest that we owe it all to steroids is to slander all that is good, wholesome and pure about the Pollstar.com empire.

But that’s not to say that we don’t take vitamins, organic herbs and inorganic supplements to enhance our tour-date gathering performances. All perfectly legal, we apply salves, balms, oils, gels and Pall Malls to ensure that all of us Pollstar.com employees are operating at maximum capacity as we post dates for Gomez and update schedules for Velvet Revolver and Gov’t Mule. The tour data biz, as everyone knows, is a kill or be killed industry, and in order to survive, one must be at the top one’s game.

But we can’t waste precious time defending our record from the self-appointed guardians of decency who accuse us of artificially enhancing our bodies in order to be better, faster and stronger than we were before. We’re tour date specialists, dammit, and we don’t have the time to, say, stop entering dates for Cher, Wilco and Robert Plant, in order to defend ourselves from accusations that most of us believe to be false.

That’s why we’ve hired a new public information officer, someone who can deflect these spurious attacks against our character. So, if you want to know the truth about our bodies, if you want to know where our muscles came from or from which bottle we derived our fine, chiseled bodies, just direct your questions to him, and he’ll be glad to set you straight in all matters regarding steroids and Pollstar.com. Go ahead, give him a call right now. He’s waiting for you.

Just ask for Mr. Canseco. Or, as his friends call him, Jose.