She blinked into our offices the day before yesterday, just as we had finished updating the Velvet Revolver schedule. “Quick,” she said. “You must post the dates for Yonder Mountain String Band and Me First & The Gimme Gimmes before all hell breaks loose.”

“What’s the problem this time?” we responded. “Will posting these dates bring peace to the Middle East? Stop Iran and North Korea from developing nuclear weapons? Save Social Security? Make Motley Crue young again?”

“Nothing like that,” she answered as she brushed off the temporal dust that seems to accompany time travelers wherever they go. “However, if you post those dates, along with this new schedule for 3 Doors Down, you’ll help make the future a much safer and saner place in which to live by preventing anyone from ever stealing any more of Paris Hilton’s personal information and distributing it on the Net.”

“Good enough,” we replied. “But are you sure that’s enough? After all, we’re talking about the most vacuous celebrity of all time.”

“Good point,” she said. “Paris has a long life ahead of her with plenty of opportunities for scandal and embarrassment. It might be better if you also post these new schedules for TSOL and Alan Jackson. You know. Just to be on the safe side.”

“You’re kidding!” we exclaimed as we commenced to slamming the info into our database. “Do you mean to tell us that, when the future arrives, Paris will still be a celebrity?”

“Oh, sure.” She replied. “In fact, come 2015, Paris will become the first person to hit the celebrity trifecta.”

“Uh?” we grunted, which is our standard reply to time travelers when we’re not sure what they’re talking about. “Celebrity… Trifecta?”

“That’s right. “President of the United States in 2012. Queen of England in 2014. And Supreme Warlord of what you still call ‘Canada’ in 2015. You see, Canada will run into a little trouble around 2011. Something about a maple syrup drought, combined with the continuing hockey strike, coupled with Celine Dion and Michael Buble both announcing their retirements, resulting in massive riots in Montreal, Toronto, and Winnipeg. Turmoil that only the blond wisdom of the world’s most famous member of the idle rich can prevent. Only the firm and steady hand of Paris Hilton will be able to whip the Great White North back into shape.”

“In that case, we guess we better get started,” we told her as we entered and indexed the rest of the schedules she gave us. Anything else?”

“Just these schedules for Gov’t Mule and The String Cheese Incident. Gotta make things right for when the space aliens from Alpha Garcia XII first arrive in 2009. With 27 ears apiece, they’re really big jam band fans, of course.”

“Of course.”

“Well, I must be getting back to the future,” she said as she reached into her purse and pulled out her special iPod that comes with the time-travel add-on, no extra charge. “I don’t want to be late for the Michael Jackson trial.”

“Michael Jackson trial?” we said, clearly startled that the King of Pop’s trial could still be winding its way through the halls of justice in the future.

“Oh, sure,” she said as the air began to shimmer and the portal opened to whisk her back to what will be. “Jury selection will take years. In fact, they won’t nail down a jury until sometime after 2013. Right after President Hilton signs an open borders travel agreement with the aliens from Alpha Garcia XII.”

“Wait a minute,” we shouted, which, when you think of it, is a pretty stupid thing to say to a time traveler as she’s about to pop back into the future. “What does an interstellar travel agreement with extra-terrestrials have to do with Michael Jackson’s jury selection?”

“Well, don’t you see?” she said right before she vanished into the day after tomorrow. “After all, if it weren’t for the space aliens, how else would Michael get a jury of his peers?”