We can buy our tickets for Alan Jackson online, we can Instant Message our friends while at shows by Lenny Kravitz and Suzanne Vega, and we can download Paris Hilton’s latest naughty pictures off of the Web while waiting for Green Day to come back onstage to play their encore. Yeah, technology is neat.

But what’s next? If we’re already living in the age of The Jetsons, what’s in store for us just around that proverbial corner when today collides with the undiscovered country of the future? Let’s take a look!

First off, many scientists agree that the next step in concert technology will be the bio-implant, a silicon / organic microchip that is inserted in the brain by way of the left nostril, and is being developed jointly by IBM, Microsoft and Kleenex. With a bio-implant, concert fans will receive the latest ticket onsale information for Sting, parking info when arriving at the local venue where Oasis is playing, and instant messages detailing when beer sales are shutting off at all Jimmy Buffett shows.

But no matter how promising the bio-implant may appear, it’s only one step on the road to concert nirvana. Thanks to a consortium combining Intel’s technological expertise with Clear Channel Entertainment’s promotional skills, a bio-chip is being developed that not only will notify concert fans when their favorite acts are coming to town, but will also control certain bodily motor functions to ensure that the fans will buy tickets. This is accomplished by electrical impulses that cause a person to log onto an online ticket seller, while, at the same time, direct one of the fan’s hands to pull out a credit card and enter the appropriate information. Currently being beta-tested during onsales for shows by Sevendust and Alter Bridge, look for the Intel Inside logo tattooed firmly on participants’ foreheads.

But enabling the hidden ticket-buying power of fans is only one facet of bio-concert technology. Concert security companies are looking at ways to prevent unfortunate incidents at major shows by monitoring the bio-signs transmitted from the brain via the implanted microchips. Already on the drawing board is a system where various signs attributed to public disruption, such as seating dissatisfaction, as well as sight-line interruptions and flatulent bystanders, so that concert security personnel can spot potential trouble zones and do what is necessary to alleviate those problems. Created by the FBI, the CAA, the HOB and the AEG, the system features an electronic schematic showing the seating chart for the show with various colored dots representing the fans. Red dots mean trouble, while green dots show heightened levels of fan satisfaction. A prototype of this system has already been successfully tested at a recent Judas Priest show. According to the venue, the prototype enabled security forces to break up a secret cabal of Barry Manilow fans that had gathered together in the first row with the intent to disrupt the band’s trademark song, “Breaking The Law,” by shouting out the lyrics to “Copacabana.”

Yes, technology IS wonderful! From slamming microchips up people’s noses to controlling stage diving and eliminating malcontents who insist on yelling out for “Freebird” at Michael Buble shows, the best Silicon Valley has to offer, combined with the business expertise of the concert industry, will usher the concert fan into a brave new world of live music. A world where no one has to think in order to buy tickets for Ashlee Simpson, and a world where physical actions are minutely controlled to ensure that each and every fan has a night to remember.

Coming up next week: A detailed story about the next big thing in concert technology – bio-memory implants which allow you to record a show, such as a performance by Elton John or U2, for later playback, and why the RIAA has a problem with it. Read A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Sue, coming up next week on Pollstar.com!