For too long we’ve put up with those who would do this great nation harm. They talk trash about our leaders and they spew garbage about our principles. And, while we can’t change the entire world, we can affect how our little corner of the universe behaves. That’s why we’re making the supreme effort to clean up, sweep up and toss out every single person currently working for this company that might impair our growth and impede our development towards a brighter tomorrow.
That’s right! We’re getting rid of every single, stinking, latte-sipping liberal that works for Pollstar.com!
And it’s not going to be easy. Weeding out the undesirables while processing incoming data for UFO and Willie Nelson will be difficult at best. But that’s what revolutions are made of – ignoring the daily business at hand in order to pursue ideological goals and dreams. After all, where would our country be if George Washington insisted on holding off crossing the Delaware until the dates for Ozzfest were processed? Where would we be if Tomas Jefferson delayed writing the Declaration of Independence so that he could update the Rilo Kiley schedule? Where would we be if Ben Franklin spent more time with the itinerary for Vans Warped Tour than he did on opening his chain of retail stores? We’d be in one helluva mess! That’s where we’d be.
Of course, this isn’t our first purge. We sent the commies packing in the 1950s, we shipped off the hippies in the ’60s, deep-sixed the UN lovers in the ’70s, whacked the Green Party idiots in the ’80s and ran those Habitat For Humanity jerks out on a rail in the ’90s. Now it’s the liberals’ turn to feel our righteous wrath.
However, your average, cunning, Michael Moore-loving, America-hating liberal is a bit craftier than those past malcontents and anarchists. For starters, most of them look like we do. Plus, they dress like most of us do and eat most of the same food as we do. However, we’ve spied more than a couple Toyota hybrids in the parking lot, and we’ve noticed at least one pair of Birkenstocks while peaking underneath the dividers that separate the restroom stalls. Rest assured, we will be successful. Soon will come the day when you can look at schedules for bands like Good Charlotte, Nickel Creek and 3 Doors Down without worrying that the individual dates, cities and venues might have been processed by someone who is less of an American than yourself.
So it’s out with the liberals as we reinforce our traditional family values. You won’t find any tree huggers, save the whalers and peace wimps at Pollstar.com. Just solid American thought along with dates for Maria Muldaur, Charlie Daniels Band and The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. We’ve purged the payroll, we’ve cleansed our hallways and we’ve liquidated the leftists. From now on Pollstar.com well be a bastion of right-thinking employees. Furthermore, if anyone disagrees, well, they can go work for Billboard or Variety or one of those other french fry-loving liberal rags.
However, there is one small problem.
We probably should have waited until after payday to oust the left-wing pinko who signs our checks. Oh, well, no one ever said revolutions are easy.