Ever since its creation over three years ago, the controversial list containing the names of alleged troublemakers and habitual concert disrupters has been marred by mistakes and misuse. Originally created to track certain individuals who might cause trouble at shows by acts such as The Allman Brothers Band or Alanis Morissette, many critics complain that the list has been used to further political and / or ideological goals, and that many of the names included on the list are there solely due to their musical tastes.

“About 80 percent of the names on the list belong to people who are bona fide troublemakers, such as people yelling out for ‘Freebird’ at Norah Jones concerts,” claims an anonymous member of the Justice Department. “However, the names making up the remaining 20 percent are on the list because someone didn’t like the clothes they were wearing at a U2 show, or someone didn’t care for the way they clapped at an Eagles concert. In short, the list has become a nightmare.”

And what a nightmare! Many critics see the list, which currently includes approximately 7.5 million names, as nothing more than a tool by those in power to keep out those who would like to achieve power.

“Suppose one of your political opponents wants to see The Marshall Tucker Band,” says an unidentified official with the Homeland Concert Security Department. “All you need do is make a call to our offices saying that the person has a record of standing on his chair during Neil Diamond shows, or constantly spilling beer at Jimmy Buffett concerts, and bingo! He’s on the list. No additional proof is needed to ship the person off to the camps.”

However, the list also has its share of defenders, which point out that since its inception, over 1.3 million people have been arrested and shipped off to federal concert holding facilities in Montana and North Dakota for every conceivable concert abuse, including popping bubble gum during Sting encores to being overly flatulent during Alicia Keys ballads. “The No Show List keeps America safe,” says an off-the-record source with the National Security Agency. “No list, no names, no freedom. It’s as simple as that.”

Are you on the list? Unfortunately, due to national security, there is no way of knowing whether one’s name is actually included on the No Show List, nor is there a procedure for having one’s name removed if it doesn’t belong there. For concert security personnel the list is gospel, yet even the slightest error in record keeping has been known to ruin lives, destroy careers, and make people miss seeing John Fogerty, Bruce Springsteen and Santana. Furthermore, no one is saying who actually oversees the list, claiming that knowing the identity of the person who is ultimately responsible for the No Show List, might be a security breach in itself.

“I can’t tell you the name of the person who is in charge of the list,” says one unidentified person who may or may not be totally clueless. “However, I can tell you that he’s an expert list keeper. He knows how to keep that list, and he’s always checking it twice. My advice to you, is not to be naughty, but nice.”

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