Industry-Wide Spam Attack

From: “Burgess Nat” [email protected]

Sent: Wednesday, April 20, 2005 12:49 p.m.

To: All ab-Users

Subject: Nothing important enough to list on this line

“I hear the fat lady singing. Which is a surprise because Jackie says I can’t hear much else these days… As some of you have heard, after 32 years I have opted to leave APA as of May 31 for the wilds of northwestern Montana and a break from the business. Although Jackie will continue to book for her clients, I plan long days of fishing, wood splitting, guitar playing, recording in my studio, working in my wood shop and more fishing. Anyone who is interested in a vacation in the midst of 2.5 million acres of national forest give us a call. PS, Think of ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ without Bill and Ted. I’m going to miss you guys.”

The e-mail message above disrupted the concert industry from coast to coast last month and unleashed a torrent of all-user replies that Scott Schecter of Caesars Palace described as “A virtual Nat Burgess retirement party/roast.” In the interest of those whose spam filters may have spared them from the e-mail blizzard, Pollstar is publishing some selected highlights.

A few were from clients. Dave Koz said, “Congrats, Nat and thanks for all the great years of fun.” Joe Piscopo wanted to know: “You goin’ cold turkey on White Castles or what?” And Jon “Bowzer” Bauman summed it up with, “Early Retirement Forever!!”

Several people expressed strong concerns about Nat’s move. First up was fellow APA agent and future neighbor Troy Blakely: “No f**king way. I thought you were kidding.” Sue McLean said, “I am truly saddened that I won’t be looking at pictures of you as a young well-endowed boy at conventions anymore.” Whit Pell asked, “With you retiring, where will I go for such cutting edge talent as Rosemary Clooney and Henny Youngman?”

A couple of people were just clearly misinformed. Mitch Rose said, “I always thought of you as a gentleman and I wish you the best,” which was echoed by Arny Granat’s “You have always been a gentleman and a pleasure to deal with.”

Some offered financial opportunities. Rick Greenstein said, “If you have any gear you want to sell for 10 cents on the dollar, you know my number.” Simma Levine asked, “Will you be taking orders on custom made woodwork jobs?”

There were plenty of people with their own opinions of the situation. Joe Brauner commented, “I have a feeling Nat will still be waking up with wood every morning until the day he dies.” Adam Kornfeld said, “Oh come on Nat, you retired years ago. It’s just the checks that are stopping now.” Steve Levine observed, “The buyers are sighing in relief,” and Anna Zappala said, “C’mon let’s be honest. No one really liked him anyway.”

The e-mail prompted a few people to reminisce. Barry Weiner recounted how “I started out with the swamp fox 32 years ago. We were having lunch at the automat on 57th Street and someone was talking to himself. He was amazed. He didn’t know it would be him 32 years later.”

Dave Werlin said, “I will never forget the Rundgren show when Albert Grossman said, ‘Who’s the agent that booked this?’ and the reply was ‘Nat Burgess, but he’s not an agent yet,’ and Grossman’s response was, ‘Well he is now.'”

Hal Ray wanted to know, “Weren’t you my assistant at WMA in NY? That means that you’re younger than me and YOU’RE retiring? I told you not to buy that f**king cabin in Montana. It was the beginning of the end.”

Shelly Schultz opined, “Nat, you’ll be the only guy in Montana with a full set of teeth. We all deserve to end our careers in the manner you are … sitting in the wild and barking at the moon … You survived thirty years of tsunami without the water.”

Lou Robin observed, “We’re gonna miss our good friends and neighbors. We’d actually gotten quite used to that late-night sound of gunfire.”

And to kind of sum it all up, Jim Koplik said, “I won’t let you rest… I’m going to see if Clear Channel can open a Montana office.”

— Gary Bongiovanni