Tours de Farce: Ace Of Base(ball)
“The Reds signed me when I was still in high school,” says LaLoosh. “Man, I was so excited! I slipped an Ozzy Osbourne CD into my stereo and started dancing in the living room. That’s when it happened. That’s when I tripped over the family Beermeister and tore three ligaments in my left knee. Put me on the bench for the entire season.”
It may not have seemed like much at the time, but that simple injury, which required his lower leg to be literally spot-welded to his knee, began LaLoosh’s career as the most injured player in baseball history.
“I spent that year with the Reds sitting on the bench, listening to Paul McCartney and The Rolling Stones on my Walkman,” says LaLoosh. “At the end of the season, they traded me to the Yankees. However, when I reported to spring training the following year, I slipped on a bar of soap in the locker room on the first day of practice. Broke one arm, three toes, and seriously fractured my appendix. Of course, I didn’t get to play, but with all the time on the disabled list I was able to see some pretty big shows, like U2 and Pearl Jam.”
The rest, as they say, is history.
“The Yankees traded me to Detroit, but on the night before I was supposed to report to the Tigers, there was this little ‘incident’ in a nightclub.” says LaLoosh. “I mean, how was I to know she was married to Eminem at the time? Man, I didn’t see that crowbar coming.”
734 stitches and two surgically implanted iron rods later, LaLoosh found himself, once again, put on waivers. He landed with Chicago, where he suffered a punctured groin as he ran out to take the field for his first game as a Cub. From there it was on to San Diego and the Padres, where he sprained his ankle, broke his left arm, and had to have his neck reattached after a freak batting cage accident.
“All I remember of my time with the Padres was watching the season from my hospital room while listening to Opeth, Backstreet Boys and Lisa Marie Presley on my Walkman,” says LaLoosh. “That’s when I got my nickname – ‘Bed Pan.’ Before then, the other guys used to call me ‘Lucky.'”
While most professional athletes would have been forced into early retirement after suffering only half of the amount of injuries LaLoosh has endured, the ballplayer credits a former William Morris agent who used to book the Eagles, and now works as LaLoosh’s sports agent, as the main reason he’s stayed in the game as long as he has.
“There ain’t no way they can break my contract,” says LaLoosh. “It’s either play me or trade me. Regardless of whether I’m in the dugout, or in my favorite hospital room listening to American Hi-Fi and David Byrne. Plus, my contract calls for me getting a pair of tickets for all the big shows, including Green Day and Cowboy Troy, for every week I’m on the disabled list. Baseball has been very, very good to me.”
Now that LaLoosh has secured his spot in the record books as the most injured player of all time, does he have any particular message for all the kids wanting to follow in his footsteps?”
“You bet I do,” says LaLoosh. “Eat your vegetables, don’t take any steroids that might show up in a urine test, and always keep one of those personal music players handy. Take it from me, Calvin ‘Bed Pan’ LaLoosh. You never know what you can do until you try!”