You know, many people ask me about concerts, or specifically, how to get better seats for The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers and the Eagles. And do you know what I tell them? I tell them they can’t be emotionally satisfied unless they let the entire concert experience into their lives. In other words, they must learn to love themselves before they love their seats.

Yes, it’s that renowned messenger of inner peace, Dr. Phil, who will help guide you through those tough concert decisions…

For instance, I received a letter the other day from a person in Vermont who, try as he might, couldn’t get good seats for Michael McDonald or Depeche Mode. Do you know what I told him? I told him he would never get the seats he wants unless he comes to terms with his inner-concert self.

Dr. Phil will show you how to obtain tranquility in your concert world…

Take myself, for example. Sure, I’m successful. Sure, I’m a household name. But I never felt complete until I had a front row seat for Alanis Morissette.

Let Dr. Phil heal your soul with advice and guidance to all the great seats…

Great seats are important for one’s self-esteem. I mean, how can one be happy if the best they can do is a pair of nosebleed seats for U2, or last row, obstructed view for Bruce Springsteen? What kind of life is that?

Your world will take on an entirely different reality once you let Dr. Phil into your life…

I remember when I was at a Green Day concert. I took one look at those people in the back row and I thought to myself, what a bunch of losers.

Every day, millions of concert fans learn their place in this wild and wacky thing we called life by following Dr. Phil’s advice…

And then there are those idiots who try to win good seats for Ben Harper by entering radio station concerts. Sheesh! Get a life, people!

Dr. Phil can help you help yourself…

My point is this; how can you be emotionally whole unless you have good seats for Van Morrison or Styx? Heck, without good seats you might as well go out to the garage and do that old exhaust pipe / garden hose thing. You dig?

Dr. Phil will lead you on the road to emotional concert healing…

Oh, enough with the damn crying, you worthless sack of skin. Do you want me to slap you? Again?

Love, concerts, Dr. Phil and you…

People like you make me sick.

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