Tours de Farce: Scared Straight
Just the word strikes fear in most people’s hearts. Of all the words in the English language that most of us are familiar with, it’s one of the two four-letter words beginning with “F” that can cause more trouble and pain than any other word in our collective vocabulary. Roosevelt was right when he said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
However, fear has become an important player in the free content biz on the Web. There are Web sites out there that use fear in order to attract eyeballs. They strike at your deepest fears, warning that that they’ll do unimaginable things to you and yours if you stop patronizing their online homes. Yeah, fear sells. No doubt about it.
But we’re not like those other Web sites. Our only goal is to bring you fresh concert information each and every day. Yes, whether it’s the new tour for The Kissers or the latest updates for Cledus T. Judd and Indigo Girls, we go about our days posting dates and updating schedules with hardly a nod to fear. That’s just the way we are.
However, that’s not to say that we don’t know fear. On the contrary, we’re very familiar with fear. We fear that we might not catch a new date for Lydia Lunch. We fear that certain promoters and booking agents might someday make good on their promises to come to our offices and beat us all within inches of our lives, that they’ll trash our cubicles, pillage our databanks and drink all of our Guinness. Yeah, we have a lot to fear.
But unlike those other Web sites, we do not use fear to increase our own viewing numbers. Unlike CNN.com, we’re not threatening to kidnap your children if you don’t visit us at least once a day. Unlike FoxNews.com, we’re not threatening to burn down your house if you don’t check out Bill O’Reilly’s last rant. And, unlike Microsoft, we’re not threatening to bring untold death and destruction to the world if you don’t buy our products. Of course, the first two companies we mentioned never actually say those things, but they imply as much through their advertising and marketing efforts. But we’re not like them.
So, you can disregard all those rumors and forget all that trash our competitors have been dishing about us. We’re not going to sell your kids to Canadian slavery rackets if you don’t look at the dates for Hoobastank. We’re not going to key your brand new SUV if you fail to eyeball the new schedule for Dark Star Orchestra. What’s more, we’re not going to come out to your house and beat you to a bloody pulp until you beg and scream for us to stop, and then keep beating and hitting you some more until you pledge your lifelong, everlasting support for our Web site. No, we’d never, ever do that. We promise. We cross-our-hearts-and-hope-to-die promise that we’d never thrash, hammer, punch, slap, pommel or wallop someone as nice as you just so we can boost our ratings.
That’s because you might hit us back. And that’s the one thing we fear the most.