K-Fed: Don’t Go Away Mad
The time is now 20 seconds past 15 minutes so please excuse this Kevin Federline follow-up, but too much has happened since K-Fed’s epic collapse.
The press can’t let a good thing go. Even though
But, oh, was it great fun for the press. Now that it didn’t have to face the wrath of Spears, the media felt as liberated as Rush Limbaugh after a Democratic victory.
For instance, Thesmokinggun.com posted K-Fed’s concert rider, and Best Week Ever did its own version that included the requirements of a “minimum of fifty (50) audience members, paying or otherwise; AND at least three (3) of which who genuinely want to be there and swear they are not attending to be ironic or funny.” Performances must have absolutely no “use of the phrase ‘Vanilla Ice'” nor “Text messaging of any kind.”
The Orange County Register gathered together its advice columnists and critics to address K-Fed’s various issues. Family columnist Teryl Zarnow told Federline, “Here’s how to make yourself irresistible: To a new mother, nothing beats the sight of a man’s rippling muscles as he lifts a squalling baby, preferably one with a full diaper.”
Pop music critic Ben Wener said, “Nowhere else to go in music, really. Rapping just ain’t your bag, baby.” Advice columnist Amy Alkon added, “‘Forever’ can last months or a couple of years, Kevin. There are no guarantees in life.”
Finally, real estate guru Jonathan Lansner said, “in this sluggish housing market, I’ll bet some speculators are stuck with some nice homes they’d like to rent out for a while.”
But J. Freedom du Lac of the Washington Post was merciless reporting on Fed-Ex’s visit to the city’s Platinum nightclub to tout his new CD “thus ensuring that the words ‘Federline,’ ‘CD’ and ‘platinum’ will make a rare appearance together in a sentence.”
Although Freedom du Lac gave Fed-Ex credit for increasing that night’s draw with his minor-celeb status, he said K-Fed eschewed the expected mingling and autograph signing, instead demonstrating he’s “mastered the art of inertia.” K-Fed’s tunes were played four times that night – at least equaling but not topping the number of times Britney’s ex, Justin Timberlake, got spins.
One 22-year-old woman tried to get her picture taken with Fed-Ex at the behest of her friend but couldn’t get past the security gauntlet.
“I don’t get it,” she told the Post. “I didn’t even know he was a celebrity.” She reportedly referred to him as “Federstein.”
Federline is trying to sell footage from cameras he installed in his car, he said in a radio interview according to the New York Post. “The paparazzi turn into a pack of wolves. … I got some pretty funny video footage of them just tripping all over themselves like dominos.”
He apparently got a lot more traction with another video he is considering selling, with a potential buyer offering $50 million for what he claims is a video of Fed-Ex and Spears en flagrante (read: doing it) for four hours.
“I find it hard to believe Kevin Federline has ever worked four hours on anything,” Bob Castrone at Best Week Ever said.
As for this whole mess, Timberlake probably summed it up best when he was asked his opinion on the divorce.
“There’s a war going on in Iraq,” he said.