Breaking: Britney Does Stuff
For those returning from cryogenic suspension, Britney Spears had a bad week. She shaved her head, causing worldwide tumult (best rumor: K-Fed wanted a hair sample for drug testing in their divorce procedures).
She also checked in and out of rehab clinics faster than Paris Hilton goes through cell phones.
Bloggers noted every Britney news burp eerily coincided with political events like Tony Blair’s removal of British troops from Iraq, revealing that Spears is a political operative for Karl Rove.
All this was bad news for Guns N’ Roses, which allegedly released the first track of Chinese Democracy to zero press.