Called the No Concert Fan Left Behind Act, the bill calls for diverting 10 percent of payroll taxes into concert ticket purchases, thereby decreasing the ticket burden felt by concert fans as they struggle to meet their financial obligations, while at the same time enable them to catch all the important tours such as Sting, Green Day and Robert Plant.

“Not only will this bill ensure that fans will no longer be left out in the cold when seeking tickets for Bruce Springsteen or the Eagles” says Congressman F.G. Horne Leghorne, (D – Kentucky). “But by taking five percent of funds otherwise used for education, and combining it with a ten percent reduction in pharmaceutical prescription assistance for senior citizens, this bill will ensure that concert fans will be able to spend more money on shows by bands such as Soulfly, The Juliana Theory and Los Straitjackets, and less money on trivial matters such as gasoline, food and clothing.”

Of course, not all members of the House are supportive of the bill, with some representatives questioning whether or not the government should get involved in ticket purchases, and citing the proposed legislation as yet another example of welfare excess.

“Do you really want the government giving you tickets for Gilby Clarke or Michael W. Smith?” asks Representative Yosemit E. Sam (R – California). “Or would you rather do it the good, old-fashioned American way by spending your hard-earned money on tickets for UFO, Bob Dylan and Elvis Costello? That is the question that we, as Americans, must face.”

Needless to say, radio talkers and TV’s talking heads have gotten into the act. “Tickets for Jewel or Nelly are not guaranteed by the Constitution,” rants Rush Limbaugh from his private box while waiting for U2 to take the stage. Fox News’ Sean Hannity, while making a guest appearance on The Osbournes, called the bill “another attempt at ‘welfarizing’ the populace.” Meanwhile, columnist Ann Coulter said the bill would only work if “we take all the liberals out back and shoot ’em.”

But self-styled media demagogues and cerebrally-challenged columnists aren’t the only barriers to the bill’s passage, for many congressman are questioning whether such a bill would stand up to court challenges, leading some representatives to call for an increase in judiciary oversight. “For far too long judges have been making up their own minds regarding judiciary matters,” says House Majority Party Animal Leader Tom DeLay, (R – Texas). “We must let the courts know that we will not stand for any decision they make regarding buying tickets for, say, Femi Kuti or Def Leppard. That is, unless those decisions reflect the will of the people as expressed by their elected representatives.”

Of course, almost all bills considered by Congress eventually acquire a few attached strings. A number of riders have been attached to the No Concert Fan Left Behind Act, including service charge ceilings, where the government would cover up to only 20 percent of all additional charges, as well as a clause recently introduced by Representative Pepe LaPew (D – Vermont), which would call for a 50 percent reduction in beer prices at all Jimmy Buffett shows – a move that led to House Speaker Dennis Hassert denouncing LaPew as “pandering to her constituents in Margaritaville.”

Will Congress pass the No Concert Fan Left Behind Act? Or will fans be left to their own devices when it comes to purchasing tickets for Keith Urban or Moby? While nothing is certain in politics and concerts, many feel that statements made by various representatives are only further examples of a nation divided, and that many politicians will only jump on the concert bandwagon if they see it as yet another opportunity for reelection.

Or as one Capital Hill blogger put it; “I just don’t know what to make of DeLay, Leghorne, Hassert and LePew. Sure, they may want a higher concert standard for America, but sometimes I think they’re all just looney tunes.”