You may have seen those stories in the press, and you may have heard those accusations on TV. People have been accusing us of not being on the up-and-up. They say we haven’t been totally honest about what goes on here at Pollstar.com, and that we’ve got something to hide. Well, it’s time to clear the air, and if you’ve ever visited our home base in Fresno, California, then you know that the air could stand some clearing.

Read our lips. We have not, nor have we ever, knowingly taken anything remotely related to performance enhancers at Pollstar.com.

You know what we’re talking about. Certain people have been claiming that our data processors, the same people that slave away each day bringing you schedules for bands like Collective Soul, and artists like Sting and Diana Krall, have been secretly taking growth hormones and anabolic steroids in order to type stronger, faster and better than ever before. Balderdash!

Let us say this right now. Not one Pollstar.com staffer, from the lowliest pill grinder in our on-site pharmacy to our CEO, Eb Pollstar, has ever knowingly taken any kind of illegal substance that might affect how we present tour data, such as the Eagles playing in Toronto on March 29.

Sure, our staffers may run faster than ordinary mortals. They may jump higher and see better, but that comes with years of processing tour itineraries for big names like Brian Wilson, Lou Reed and Rod Stewart. That’s why we can look you in the eye and say we never knowingly took “The Clear” or used some of “The Cream.” Didn’t happen. Doesn’t happen. Won’t happen. End of story.

It’s all a big lie. Our competitors see the massive biceps on our staffers’ arms as they slam in dates for Sting, and they take note of our employees’ colossal shoulders as they sort through data for Mel Tillis and Neil Diamond, and they immediately think something’s not right. That’s how these stories get started. A little innuendo, a few raised eyebrows, a nudge and a wink, and, before you know it, it’s Monica Lewinsky time all over again.

Oh, sure, we could prove that we’re clean. We could spill a little blood into a test tube, or we could fill up one of those plastic cups, but what would that prove? Because, when you get right down to it, there would still be accusations that we’re somehow superhuman, that our 1,321, seven-foot tall, 325 pound employees have somehow artificially enhanced their data-entry abilities so that they can enter dates for Elton John faster than a speeding locomotive, or that they can jump tall sports arenas in a single bound. But let us repeat ourselves for those of you who missed it the first time. We did not knowingly take anything that might enhance our abilities when it comes to entering dates for Destiny’s Child. We did not knowingly ingest some kind of magic elixir in order to present information for Joe Cocker, and we did not knowingly apply some kind of cream or salve before plugging in dates for Yanni. It would have been sooo ignorant of us to knowingly do so.

And you know what they say. Ignorance is bliss.