For most people, that’s what Pollstar.com stands for, 7,481 men and women working diligently day and night to bring you the latest dates for bands like Good Charlotte and Wishbone Ash and artists like Billy Talent, Lloyd Banks and P.J. Harvey. But there’s more to this company than just tour dates appearing on your monitor. In fact, there’s an entire side of Pollstar.com that many people don’t even know exists. And for the ones that are lucky enough to see that side, their lives are so much richer from the experience.

One example is our expert pre-natal care, where our specialists visit expectant mothers so that we may immerse their future offspring in the intricacies of date-city-venue science while they’re still in the womb. By using the latest, state-of-the-art, off-the-shelf audio equipment available at Radio Shack, our specialists employ a secret, patented process which transmits routings directly to a mother’s unborn child so that the future newborn may arrive in this world fully cognizant of Kittie playing in Baltimore on October 2.

But subtly instructing future generations in the nuances of concert calendars is only one of our goals, for we realized long ago that only constant exposure to tour dates, such as the new routing for Population 1 Feat. Nuno Bettencourt, can lead to happier, more productive, ticket-buying lives. That’s why we’ve lobbied to place initiatives on the ballots of all 49 states that matter calling for the implantation of a special microchip into the brains of all children ages five and younger, thus ensuring that the little tykes will grow into adulthood totally aware of the majestic power and promise of concert itineraries. Expensive? You bet, but worth every penny.

But it doesn’t stop there, for there are millions of people in the world who, for some reason, can’t access tour dates on our Web site, and whose bodies are way too old to accept the hardware necessary for true, biological Wi-Fi. For these unfortunates we have our Pollstar.com in-home volunteers, men and women who have dedicated their lives to bringing the dates for acts like Beenie Man, Bob Dylan and Avril Lavigne to the bedridden, the sick, and the incarcerated. To see one of our volunteers patiently sitting beside the bed of a death-row inmate during his last moments of life, as he or she spends uncounted hours reading off each date for Dolly Parton or Erasure is truly a wondrous sight to behold.

Yes, there’s more to Pollstar.com than just a few Internet servers and a handful of schedules for Helmet and Lydia Lunch. There’s indoctrination, sublimation and subordination, a grand plan that carries concert fans from the cradle to the grave, teaching them that service charges are good, ticket prices are never too expensive and that artists, such as Norah Jones or Gene Pitney, deserve all the love, adulation and worship due to them.

But don’t mistake our operations for a grand scheme for world domination. Instead, think of us as a much-loved family member, here to show you and your loved ones the road to proper concert enlightenment. We’re not your mother, and we’re pretty sure we’re not your father. However, we would like to think that we’re as close to you as any of those family members.

In fact, just think of us as your big brother. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?