Imagine that the universe is made up of an infinite number of cosmic threads that weave an endless number of realities into the fabric that is our perception of space and time. Imagine that for every infinitesimal moment, a vibration is sent along these threads, influencing an improbable number of events in a countless series of universes. Imagine that we are all connected, the many are one and the one is many. Everything is everything.

This is how free concert tickets are given out.

Just think of it! A photon fires off millions of light years away, resulting in someone in Omaha getting freebies for Mannheim Steamroller. Or a supernova occurring three, maybe four galaxies over causes a flux of graviton waves resulting in a couple of teens in Baton Rouge receiving free passes for Spank The Monkey. This is how free tickets really work. Inter-dimensional, trans-universal, multi-personality Koz and effect.

But that’s not all.

Immeasurable probabilities lead to measureless universes, meaning that everything is happening at once in various forms in illimitable dimensions. Translated, that means Elton John is playing Vegas every night for every year throughout countless realities, not just a few weeks in February, March and April. But the laws of quantum concert mechanics go even deeper than that, with vibrations traveling along infinite cosmic strings throughout untold universes resulting in Matchbook Romance, Phil Collins and David Bowie handing out free tickets to whomever, whenever, whatever. Amazing, isn’t it?

So the next time you find yourself wishing for free tickets for Fleetwood Mac or Pink, the next time you spend hours trying to win a pair of Radiohead tickets via a radio station contest, or the next time you spend days on end buttering up your local promoter in hopes of being invited to see Ozzy Osbourne, remember this: Maybe you’ll get your free tickets, maybe you won’t, for the laws of concert probabilities are as limitless as they are unfathomable, and that our perception of reality is a direct result of countless cosmic fibers vibrating through a numberless number of universes, which may or may not result in tickets for Phish, Josh Groban or Korn to be handed out non gratis.

In other words, when it comes to free tickets, it all boils down to pulling a few strings.