Concerned that a dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to? Have your investments tanked? Is your 401k so low that, like the proverbial rat, your retirement plan has to slip on a pair of platform shoes before it climbs up onto a stepladder so that it can kiss Geraldo Rivera’s belly?

First of all, don’t worry, things will get better. That’s a promise. Secondly, grab any investment money you have left and put it into concert tickets.

Why concert tickets? Because today’s financial experts, both real and imaginary, recommend concert tickets above all other investments, especially when one is seeking short-term growth coupled with immense personal satisfaction.

Let’s start with the basics. A simple purchase, say tickets for Jesse Malin, Pearl Jam or Avril Lavigne, is a great way to jumpstart your portfolio. But it doesn’t stop there. Oh, no. You’re just getting started.

Many ticket investment experts believe that co-headlines are the way to go, such as the new John Mayer / Counting Crows IPO. Another popular co-headline is Justin Timberlake / Christina Aguilera, where lucky investors often see their pleasure dividends double, and experience a 100 percent return on each dollar vested. However, don’t forget to buy a prospectus on the night of the show. After all, you wouldn’t want to confuse the performers. (Hint; Justin is the one wearing clothes).

Of course, mutual funds, where you get several artists and bands for the price of a single investment, are always popular. Some of this year’s must-buy packages include Vans Warped Tour, Ozzfest and Metallica’s Summer Sanitarium Tour. Oh, and don’t wear your Napster shirt if attending the latter. Not if you know what’s good for you.

Finally there’s the hedge funds, consisting of tickets for long-time performers like the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and Cher. But you better act fast. Hedge funds are extremely popular with the baby boomer crowd and many times there’s only a limited supply in most markets. Number one rule? You snooze, you lose.

Yes, buying into today’s ticket market is a surefire way to ramp up your portfolio as well as lay a solid foundation for the future. Come fall, you’ll be the envy of all your friends when you show them your returns from investing in Dave Matthews Band, Red Hot Chili Peppers and RX Bandits. Hear that? It’s opportunity knocking. So, get off your duff and answer the door.

Oh, and we were just kidding with that remark about the rats and Geraldo. After all, everybody knows rats don’t wear shoes.