Like my parents. They raised me, loved me and paid my way through med school. Plus, they kept that messy Canadian incident out of the papers. The one where I woke up in a cheap Winnipeg motel room and discovered that I was married to a curling cheerleader. Nothing but the best for my parents, that’s why I’m giving them a list of tour dates for Backstreet Boys and Keb’ Mo’. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

Then there’s my cousin, Sam. He was like a brother to me. Shucks, I still remember those grade school days, when all I had to do was point at someone and Sam would beat them up for me. Sam, for your friendship, your companionship, and all those term papers you bought for me in med school, here are the schedules for Coldplay, Sting and Foreigner. Merry Christmas, big fellow.

Finally, there’s my Uncle Ralph. What can I say? You were my inspiration in life. I watched in awe as you built your medical practice. You taught me everything I needed to know about fraudulent health insurance billing, medical supply kickbacks and signing dead doctors’ names on prescriptions made out to Robert Downey Jr.

I was going to give you the routings for Dido and Sunny Day Real Estate, Uncle Ralph, but I wanted to do something really special for you. Something that says, “I care.” So here’s a raincheck for the U2 schedule that won’t be released until after the first of the year. Merry Christmas.

Now, I know what you’re saying. Blocking and pasting all these tour schedules can add up to a sizeable chunk of change. Plus, there’s the mixed bag of assorted tour dates for Melvins and Melanie C that I’m giving out to people like my paper boy and parole officer. But I am watching the expenses. I don’t want to max out the credit cards like last year. That’s why I emailed each and every one of them. You know, to save on postage.

After all, I wouldn’t want to go over budget.