And although there were a few noticeable drops, there were also quite a few gains in key demographics coupled with substantial daypart inflation to paint a picture of prosperity for the future.

Most promising was the rise in the frequency of clicks per second for the Savage Garden schedule. While it didn’t reach the peak realized in the 1998 ratings, it far outdistanced the number of clicks for Lydia Lunch and Lou Reed in 1999. Yes, an outstanding performance overall, especially when you combine those figures with the fertility rates of Mississippi and southern Alabama. That’s when things really start to fall into place.

But that’s just the overall picture. It really gets interesting when you study the polydactyly breakdowns for Cosmic Psychos and D.R.I. and the subsequent influence on base 12 mathematics. Can you believe it? It’s expected that the 40 percent rise in the lower figures not only led to the 50 percent increase in schedule viewing for REO Speedwagon and Neal McCoy, but also led to the exponential doubling of the viewers for Los Lobos, as well as the literacy increase in western Alaska. Remarkable, indeed!

Of course, we had to adjust for abnormalities, such as Britney Spears rescheduling, alien abductions and Pat Buchanan’s presidential campaign. However, that hardly accounts for the spectacular performance of The Robert Cray Band and Rage Against The Machine, especially when you cross reference those figures with the amount of dates posted for Tina Turner and then divide by Sweden’s gross national production numbers. That’s the real nut of the matter; the crux of the biscuit, so to speak.

There will be other ratings. Some you win, some you lose, and you really can’t put your faith in a set of numbers. You don’t want to bet the farm on percentages and statistical error. Not when you’re presenting schedules for Stone Temple Pilots and Yes. But the numbers say it all, and we all know that numbers don’t lie.

In fact, they’re as honest as show business itself, and as solid as the entire dot-com economy.