The first rule of Concert Club is that you never talk about Concert Club. It’s a secret club. I can’t tell you what we do, but it involves Joe Satriani, John Doe and Plasticine. And Drano. Lots and lots of Drano.

We even have our own clubhouse. Actually, it’s an old warehouse, but it has a really big loading dock, which comes in handy for those Drano shipments, as well as the gasoline trucks and the antibiotics deliveries. Loading docks are important, especially when you’re mixing volatile substances with Neal McCoy, Old Blind Dogs and Six Feet Under.

Everything described here is strictly hush-hush. Secrecy is the key if we’re ever going to get this thing to work. Secrecy, Drano, formaldehyde and Sting. With those ingredients, we’re almost ready to start the plan.

And it’s a great plan. We’ve enlisted some of the best minds in the country to work on this plan. Part one of the plan calls for Powerman 5000 and Gordon Lightfoot along with Drano and cattle prods. That’s the electric prods with the really high voltage. You need high voltage when you’re about to execute a plan as brilliant as this one. Especially when Slipknot and Skid Row are involved.

Would you like to join our club? We need people who can whittle, clean a fish and promote dates for Steve Earle and Tattoo The Earth. Needless to say, experience with nuclear reactor rod disposal and Drano disarming is definitely a plus.

Of course, you have to go to a lot of concerts if you want to belong to Concert Club. That’s our second rule. You have to go to every show, including Kid Rock, Air Supply and Neil Sedaka.

Concert Club is a club meant to last. Once you’re in Concert Club, you’re in for life. You can’t quit. You can’t be kicked out. You’re here for eternity, for better or for worse. Joining Concert Club is just like getting married.

Except there’s more Drano.