“Fidel! You’re up bright and early.”

“I couldn’t sleep. Bring me up-to-date on our offensive against our imperialist neighbor to the north.”

“We’ve distributed all the illegal MP3s, including The Neville Brothers, Jimmy Cliff and Sting.”


“Unfortunately, the Yankee economy is stronger than we thought. The only result was a slight decrease in CD sales in areas neighboring college campuses. It appears that the mission was a failure.”

“And I had such great hopes for success.”

“I know, Fidel. Should we execute ‘Plan B?'”

“Such a drastic measure, but what else can we do? We continue to be the backwater concert market of the Caribbean while our neighbors are entertained nightly by bands like Limblifter and Marky Ramone & The Intruders. My heart aches for a summer amphitheatre season. Perhaps our missiles?”

“We haven’t had missiles in over a generation. JFK, remember?”

“Ah, yes. Jack. A worthy opponent. A man who knew how to party. And Jackie. Carumba! Such a fine señora.”

“Yes, Fidel.”

“When I see pictures of Alanis Morissette, I am reminded of Mrs. K and the good old days. The Rat Pack, Nikita Krushev, Bob Dylan, the cold war…”

“Fidel, we need an answer. Should we activate ‘Plan B?'”

“The plan to strike at the heart of one of America’s most famous icons?”

“We can move at any time. Just give the word.”

“How would we go about it?”

“We have an agent in deep cover. He’s been there for years, waiting for your orders.”

“And his position?”

“One of power and respect. If anyone can pull this off, he can. He is at your command, ready to spread the disinformation that will destroy one of the capitalists’ greatest heroes and bring disillusionment and despair to the people of America. Shall I give the order?”

“Destroying a man’s reputation is not to be taken lightly, Diego. There may be repercussions.”

“But, Fidel, Britney Spears and ‘N Sync are touring as we speak. And you’re not getting any younger.”



“Yes, Diego. Give the order, so one day we may see Tattoo The Earth play Havana. Give the order for concerts. Give the order for My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult. Give the order for Cuba!”

“Consider it done, El Presidente.”

“Just one thing, Diego.”

“Yes, Fidel?”

“When he launches his campaign of lies and deceit against Señor Springsteen, no matter what he says, make sure he uses the word, ‘floating.’ Not only will it confuse the imperialistic American swine, but it will also remind me of the gentle waves lapping on the beach outside my hacienda.”

“As you wish, my leader.”