“My life is a piece of crap, Harry. My daughter ran off with David Lee Roth, my son was arrested for insider trading with Martha Stewart and I lost all of my savings by investing in a string of R. Kelly day care centers. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Cheer up, Joe. It’s only life. Here, take a look at this.”

“Hmmm.. ‘CD sales decreased seven percent during the first half of the year?’ What’s this?”

“It’s the latest report from the Recording Industry Association of America. After you read this, you’ll realize that all of your problems are small potatoes when compared to how much the major record labels lost due to illegal downloads of songs by big artists such as Aerosmith, and Robert Plant during the first half of 2002. For example, how’s those ailing sinuses of yours?”

“Not so good, Harry. I have to get another transplant and the doctors are saying that they’ll have to hook me up to the machines until they find a suitable donor.”

“Now, read that second paragraph.”

“‘CD shipments down 7.2 percent?’ Gosh, Harry, I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s how most people react when they read about how illegal downloads are affecting the industry that we’ve known and loved since childhood, Joe. That reminds me, didn’t your wife just have a baby?”

“Yeah, but we had to give him up to adoption so that we could pay our offshore, online gambling debts. I hope he’s happy with Michael Jackson.”

“Paragraph four should take care of that post-natal, post adoption depression, Joe.”

“Lessee… ‘Total music shipments dropped 10.1 percent in the first half of 2002?’ Why, Harry, this is incredible.”

“What did I tell you?”

“I had no idea things were this bad for the recording industry. I mean, here I am, wallowing in my own sniveling, self-pity, when the greatest group of companies in the world is reeling from the pain inflicted by a thoughtless populace that thinks nothing of ripping off great artists like Elton John and Ryan Adams.”

“So, after reading the report, Joe, do you finally see the light?”

“I sure do, Harry. All of my problems, like my wife joining the Taliban Women’s Auxiliary or the snake fish infestation in my backyard, not to mention my chronic flatulence, don’t add up to a hill of beans when compared to what the major record labels are going through trying to fight the good fight against peer-to-peer file-sharing networks. I gotta admit, Harry, after reading this report I’m ashamed that I ever even thought of putting ‘me’ first. From now on, I’m going to make the intellectual property and financial security of the recording companies that sell great music by artists like Santana and Paul McCartney my number one top priority.”

“That’s the spirit, Joe. And if more people think like you, once the major record labels whip music piracy, all the other problems of the world will disappear as well. We’ll defeat terrorism, there’ll be peace in the Middle East, the poor will be fed and the homeless housed. The world will definitely be a better place in which to live.”

“That’s fantastic, Harry! Gee, after the labels defeat those evil copyright infringers, do you think that they might even be able to convince Springsteen to mix up his set list a bit? Maybe even play ‘Rosalita?'”

“In time, my friend. In time.”