“What’s there to smile about, Harry? The bank is about to foreclose on my mortgage, my youngest daughter wants to quit the Girl Scouts and start a local branch of al Qaida, and I just found out that my teenage son is taking driving lessons from Nick Nolte. My life is definitely in the Dumpster.”

“Cheer up, good buddy. This little red book will help you out.”

“Huh? Thoughts of Chairwoman Hilary? What’s this?”

“It’s the book that’s going to change your life, Joe. Chock full of the words and wisdom of America’s most excellent exec, the RIAA’s Hilary Rosen.”

“And this is going to help me?”

“You bet, Joe! For example, what happened to you this morning?”

“Oh, the usual. Got up. Went to work. Got punched out by Buzz Aldrin.”

“Same old, same old, eh? Why don’t you turn to page 42 and check out Hilary’s thoughts on the matter?”

“Hmmm…’One must not let life’s frustrations distract one’s self from fighting the war against music piracy in order to protect major label artists like Shakira or Peter Gabriel.’ Gosh, Harry, that’s so… so… That’s so deep.”

“Isn’t it, though? My life used to be like yours, Joe. Every day spent dealing with yet another crisis. Will I get the big raise? Will Axl ever get it together to finish the album and tour again? Has the free clinic received the results from my last test? Yes, Joe, My life was definitely bummersville. That is, until I discovered this book.”

“That’s all well and good, Harry, but what about my legal problems? The SEC is investigating my accounting practices and I’m worried that they’re going to find my six houses and four private jets, plus the five billion in Rolling Stones tickets I buried in the back yard. Not to mention the two Italian villas I bought for my mistresses, or the industrial-strength Botox treatments I gave to my wife for our anniversary.”

“Not to worry. Turn to page 319.”

“Lessee… ‘Life, home and family may give comfort to the soul, but the fight against music piracy is mankind’s manifest destiny to overcome the forces of true evil and protect the Don Henley, Chris Isaak and Three Mo’ Tenors so that the major labels can reap the rewards assured to them under current copyright law.'”

“Well?”

“Gosh, Harry, I don’t know what to say. Here I am, bitchin’ about how my life has gone done the crapper, and just a few quotations from this little red book makes me realize that all my problems don’t amount to a hill of beans when I consider what this poor woman has to contend with each and every day.”

“That’s why she’s the chairwoman, Joe. When you’re leading a group of kind, benevolent corporations like the major recording labels, you have to possess the most brilliant mind the world has ever known. After all, if the record companies didn’t exist, who else would cash in on the talents of a Filter or Alanis Morissette?”

“You’ve sold me, Harry. Thoughts Of Chairwoman Hilary is like a life raft thrown to a drowning man. Sigh… Now, if I only knew what to do about Nick Nolte.”

“Tell me, Joe, how did your son wind up taking driving lessons from that washed-up actor? You don’t live anywhere near Malibu.”

“Oh, he’s never actually met him, but Nolte stars in a driver’s ed. TV program that airs every night on cable.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I wish. You mean you’ve never heard of Nick At Night?”