Why do we spend each day riding the undulating serpent that is the concert industry as it writhes and slithers across the musical landscape producing dates for Will Hoge and Fishbone?

It’s not the pay, for we make a modest living at best, and no one is getting rich from joining fans of Dope or Kottonmouth Kings with the tour dates that they crave and desire. Whether it’s that morning lust for the Darden Smith routing or that unexpected release of dates for Blind Guardian and Ben Taylor Band resulting in an afternoon delight, we are paid but a pittance for our efforts. Just enough to satisfy our needs and wants, resulting in an effervescent glow upon our faces come quitting time, followed by a quick smoke and well-earned slumber.

And it’s not the perks that drive us each day as we thrust and move with the ebb and flow of concert data gushing into our offices, our fingers tap, tap, tapping the vital information of date, city, state and venue as we enter, and sometimes re-enter, the latest routings for The Exit, Bernard Allison and Cannibal Corpse into our massive, pulsating database of joy and delight. Sure, we get a few freebies at times, maybe a Mickey D’s gift certificate or a free car wash, but nothing can compare with that feeling of satisfaction one achieves after penetrating the inner threshold of concert bliss and pleasure.

And it’s definitely not the chance to slap some skin with the stars of the concert world. Of course, all the big acts eventually find their way to our doors, their jaws often dropping in amazement as they observe us sitting erect in our cubicles fondling the new dates for Shiner or stroking the additions for Gin Blossoms and Jets To Brazil, the hallways echoing with our screams of “Yes! Yes! Oh Yes!” until we collapse in the throws of our own ecstasy and elation, our inner essence spent and our spiritual thirst quenched.

Why do we do it? Why do we spend countless hours cuddling and caressing the concert industry in order to bring you fresh dates for artists like James Last and bands like Local H and Voodoo Glow Skulls? Why, the reason should be quite simple if you have the vigor, stamina and staying power to keep up with this little missive.

And we’ll tell you right after we take a cold shower. For some reason it’s suddenly very warm in here