“You wanted to see me, sir?”

“Sit down, Johnson.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Johnson, it has come to my attention that you’ve been violating our Internet policy.”


“Now don’t try to deny it. I was walking by your cube the other day when I happened to look at your monitor. I noticed you had two windows open. In one window you had a picture of Miss Nude Saskatchewan, while in the other window you had the tour dates for Jimmy Buffett.”

“I can explain, sir.”

“No need to explain, Johnson. I was young, once. I know what it’s like to be tempted, but this is a work environment.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I mean, what if everyone followed your example? We’d hardly get any work done around here.”

“It won’t happen again, sir.”

“You bet it won’t happen again, Johnson. Starting today, I’m having the techs install Internet monitoring software on all computers. This software will search for, and block, any Web content that’s against company policy.”

“Isn’t that a bit drastic, sir?”

“I don’t think you see the big picture, Johnson. We’re the most profitable porn company on the Web, and we didn’t get to where we are today by spending valuable work hours looking at schedules for Ari Hest, Bryan Adams and Ani DiFranco. Our business is skin, not multiple dates for Bruce Springsteen or additional dates for Ahmad Jamal.

“I know, sir.”

You have no idea how frustrating it is to walk through the cube farms and see employees checking out Pollstar.com to see if Ben Lee is playing San Diego next Wednesday or if Sevendust is appearing in Boston. When I look at your monitors, I should see golden globes, buppies and orbs of delight, not listings for Lavish Green, Joey DeFrancesco and Tab Benoit. Am I clear?”

“Crystal, sir.”

“Good. Consider this your only warning. If I see any more tour data on your screen, like dates for The Flaming Lips or Maria Muldaur, you’re history. From now on, all I want to see on your monitor is skin, skin, and more skin. Understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now get back to your cubicle. We’re past deadline and we still have to have those pictures from the Bakersfield Debauchery Expo up and running by the end of the day. Dismissed.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

“Sheesh… Kids these days. What’s the world coming to?”